here i go

So tomorrow I will embark on what well may be the most rewarding experience of my life.

Nervous? Yes.
Scared? Absolutely.
Willing to risk it all for a sense of adventure? You bet ya.

If I've learnt anything these past few years, it is that you really can't predict your own future, but you can make choices today to shape the kind of tomorrow you want. Granted, you can't paint the whole picture, but you don't have to. It's these details to your life which bring excitement and meaning to it.

When I was younger, I used to go into travel agents at shopping centres and ask for their old travel brochures. I think they thought I wanted them to cut them up and paste pictures, etc. but that's not what I did. I literally spent hours pouring over them, yearning to just pack up and go to these incredible places of my dreams which I knew actually existed. For as long as I can remember, My biggest dream was/is to travel the world. I really do want to see it all. And as I got older, my tastes matured, and now not only did I want to see New York and Paris, and other tourist-traps, I dreamt about far-off (both geographically and culturally) places such as Costa Rica, Nepal, Burkina Faso, Borneo, Tibet, Jordan, this list really does go on and on.

The problem was, I come from a family who had never done much travelling. My mother did the tourist-traps when she was in her twenties, but that was it. It always amazed me how she didn't catch the bug, for you see, I had caught it before I had even been anywhere. I would cry myself to sleep at night thinking I would never get real opportunities to travel. I honestly thought that. In hindsight I was delusional. And I think subconsciously it was then that I made the choice to seek any opportunity to explore. Explore the world, explore those around me, and explore myself. And within no time at all, I had discovered opportunities to travel to six countries other than my own (and always counting), and now - tomorrow, in fact, I will set about on what I believe will be the greatest yet.

If you don't know, I'm jetting off to Peru for a month, where I'm undertaking a volunteer program called Peru's Challenge which allows travellers to experience the beauty of Peru through tours while also volunteering in rural communities to assist the work of not-for-profit/charity organisations. More specifically, I'll be teaching in a school in the Huatata community, near the town of Urubamba, which is one hour outside of Cuzco.


As well as the volunteering, we'll be taking every opportunity to see the wonderful contrasts of Peru, from City tours of Lima and Cuzco, to a 2-day tour of the Sacred Valley, a 3-day tour to Lake Titicaca, a Horse-back ride to Inca ruins, and the climax of it all, the 4-day Inca Trail trek to Macchu Picchu, the lost city of the Incas. It is said, that at dawn on that 4th day of the trek, when you pass through the Sun-Gate, and you see the sun's first rays hit Machu Picchu, you weep. So much emotion is built up from the past 3 days, that the sheer beauty that confronts you brings you to tears. And even more wonderful is that this special moment will be on my 20th birthday.


I don't think I've ever been so nervous and so excited simultaneously. Peru (and all of South America, for that matter) has always allured me with its exotic culture and breathtaking landscapes. However, this will be the first time i've travelled for a reason other than holidaying, and I have no teaching experience, and I have very limited Spanish skills, so you see there are many reasons to be nervous. However, anybody who knows me would know that I am 110% up for this challenge. Yes, it will probably be tough to begin with, but I know for sure that by the time those 4 short weeks roll around, I won't want to leave.

things i know for sure

apology is a two-way street
real friends never say goodbye
junk food tastes better when your depressed
dreams change
people change
smiles are contageous
clichés are so... well, cliché
christmas is not necessarily the most wonderful time of the year, but i know i still love it
international travel is unjustifiedly expensive
when one door closes, another one opens
two may be company, but who said three was a crowd?
obstacles are those things you see when you take your eyes off your goals
things that come easy aren't usually worth it
on that same note, achievement is so much sweeter when you've given your all
the gift of the gab is greatly underrated
new life is truly beautiful
adventure allures me
i don't need a medical degree to tell me that hugs cure all and laughter really is the best medicine
buses always run later when you are in a hurry
there is nothing i enjoy more than the sound of rain on the roof
leap frog is a fun game to play after a 4-hour biotech lab (:P) (see attached picture)

hatred

they say hate is a strong word.

a feeling of dislike so strong that it demands action.

this feeling is strong, fervid as hell itself.

perhaps deep down I love him like I should, but he makes it so incredibly difficult. you may ask "how can you just decide you hate somebody who you are supposed to be so close with?" but do you realise it was never my choice and I've had 20 years to develop this loathing? 20 years of torment, 20 years of humiliation, 20 years of insults, 20 years of abuse, 20 years too many.

yes, there are good days and there are bad days, but the good days are merely bearable and the bad days are pure scream-your-lungs-out, rip-your-hair-out, excrutiating, living hell. does he do it on purpose? is he that bored?

I don't know who I get more angry at. him? or them? it's like they just stand and watch. are they that blind? it's not fair. they must enjoy seeing me as a victim.

My next question which I always wonder.... does he hate me back? surely he must.... mustn't he?

one down

three to go

EOS

most painful month in the year.

i need to get through this.

talent

happy.

I'm on top of the world.
Had the greatest day!
Can't wait for another great day.
and work wasn't too bad either :P
but my thoughts were elsewhere.

expecting

this weekend is going to be awesome.
that is all.
smile.

i need

I need

to study microbiology
a haircut
to buy a camera
to start my reproductive physiology assignment
to go to the doctors
to buy hiking boots
to pass my last lab for the year
to go shopping for things I need for Peru
to look at the stats assignment
to catch up in stats
to try and get my head around molecular biology
to somehow not cut my friends out and maintain some form of a social life
to buy pants
to stop alienating my family
to start being grateful towards them
to think about applying for qimr summer studentship
to train harder for trek
to somehow organise my own going-away
to keep up with my tv shows
to see fame
to see mao's last dancer
to somehow get more shifts at work
more money
to buy aladdin on dvd
to stop using facebook so much
to stop searching for love and let it find me
to just be me

all in a month. here's to lists. cheers.

life

isn't new life just beautiful? just utter perfection. she enters this world and she is perfect. 5 tiny fingers with 5 tiny nails, 5 tiny toes with the same. the lines on her palm match those on my own. amazing, isn't it? her eyes full of so much wonderment, i wish i could remember what runs through our minds at that age. when your only a few hours old, life must seem forever. but it's these moments that remind us that it's not. as often as life begins, life must also end. inspiring to think as one finishes their life, reflecting on everything they were, every choice they made, every experience they had, every person they had touched, another is just beginning their life with a clean slate, a blank page, completely unwritten and undefined, no choices made, no experiences had, completely untouched. new life is simply beautiful. emily claire, i'm in love.

fancy-dress

such fun to be had by all. i want to learn to sew. i want to papier-machê more often. such fun to be had by all.

(half) life

i knew that i'd get like this again, that's why I try to keep at bay. be a hundred percent when i'm with you and then, the perfect heart's length away. the stickler is you've played not one beat wrong. you never promised me anything. even sat me down and warned me just how they fall, i knew the odds were i'd never win. yet here i am. it's a half life, with you as my quarterback. a daft life. my self-worth measured in text back tempo, it's been two days and 8 minutes too slow. well there may well be others but I still like to pretend that I'm the one you really want to grow old with. got a schedule to stick to, got a world to keep sweet, you're so much to everyone all the time. will you ever slow down? will I ever come first? the universe contracts to sigh. it's a half life, with you as my quarterback. a daft life. hold me darling, please. you know you'll never be lonely, no you'll always be loved, and maybe you never need more than that. but for the surplus that loves, what's to become of us? does it even register on your conscience? long for one last showdown from a box in a crowd, air compressed tight to explode. i'm clenching my ticket to the only way out, as you disappear in a puff of smoke. it's a half life, with you as my quarterback. a daft life.

connect.

I haven't posted what I would call a substantial blog in a while now, so I guess there is potentially a lot I could talk about.

One thing I will mention, is I guess due to stress and other things, maybe I've seemed a bit blue lately, and apparently it is showing. Lately, I'm often being asked if I'm ok, that I seem a bit sad and down. It really strikes me as surprising that people notice this, because I usually try to put out a really positive outlook in public, so it must be a significant change for people to notice.

However, I promise you its not as bad as some people might think. Like I said, its just stress, nothing I haven't encountered before. It comes in a package-deal with a university degree, doesn't it? Not to mention the pressure I put on myself, which is completely unjustified, but I just can't seem to help it. It's just me, I guess. My life really is like a rollercoaster, up and down, up and down. The ups are amazing, and the downs downright suck.

Something that always makes me up is friends. I've done a lot of thinking about friends and friendship lately. It really is quite an amzing thing to think about. Over the past couple of months, I think I've made the most new friends ever in my life. And I've got to say, nothing beats the feeling of making a new friend. Actually, no. Something does, catching up with dear old friends. So basically any activity which involves seeing the people you care for is really quite inspiring.

Whether its a friend you met last week who you really have a connection with and are still in that getting to know eachother phase so you do fun things like see a play together, or take a walk. Or perhaps its your oldest, dearest friend who you know inside and out, and you just chill in their bedroom all night, just talking crap, but it feels like home because you are together. And then there are those times where you have a big even planned with your friends, and the day finally comes, and it is everything you expected and then some. Those are fun days.

However, nothing comes close to the feeling of bumping into a friend you haven't seen in weeks, months or even years, and striking up the most spontaneous conversation, which turns into lunch, which turns into a whole afternoon together, reconnecting and rekindling your friendship. This is a sign of a true bond with someone, someone who you can confidently call your friend.

So here's to budding friendships. And to old friendships.

Different stages of one and the same thing.

without you

the ground thaws
the rain falls
the grass grows
the seeds root
the flowers bloom
the children play
the stars gleam
the poets dream
the eagles fly
the earth turns
the sun burns
the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves
the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash
the crowds roar
the days soar
the babies cry
the moon glows
the river flows
the world revives
colours renew
but i know blue
only blue
lonely blue
within me, blue
the hand gropes
the ear hears
the pulse beats
the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathe
the mind churns
the heart yearns
the tears dry
life goes on
...
but i'm gone
'cause i'd die
without you

observe

the pile of paperwork I need to catch up on. And it grows every day.

motivation

time.

so much is happening to me.
so much that i can't even see.
so many words of wisdom that i am trying to be.
catch me if i should fall.
and even more so while i'm standing tall.
my head is spinning around and it's making me dizzy.
i'm spinning around and it's making me ill.
you don't understand what i'm going through just to find a way to climb.
it'll be in my own time.
whispering thoughts in all different ways.
that i'm in a daze.
in my own time i'll take a chance.
in my own time i'll find romance.
in my own time.
it'll be mine.
after the clouds there'll be the rain.
after the sun there'll be the moon.
it doesn't matter.
because it will be in my own time.

beauty

In Washington, DC, a violinist played four Bach pieces for 45 minutes. Some 2,000 commuters hustled and bustled by the artist - few paid any attention to the performance, and even fewer stopped (except for a handful of children who were all quickly reprimanded by their guardians).
Of the 2,000 people, 20 gave money and then hurried off. 6 paused.

The whole situation was a social experiment orchestrated by the Washington Post. The violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most gifted musicians in America. Two days earlier, he had sold out an entire theater in Boston. His instrument was worth some $3.5 million. The pieces he played were some of the most intricate ever written.

And only 6 people paused.

If we can overlook such obvious and rare beauty, can you imagine the more subtle things we’re missing? Even when beauty slaps us in our face, we tend not to recognize it. There are no excuses.

We need not wait for a talented musician in disguise. Beauty is here and beauty is now.

Take a second to look around you. Look at the shadows that crawl across your room or office. Look at the folds of your sheets. Look at the raindrops dancing across your window. The gentle creases in your hands. The dust on your bureau. The socks on your feet. The air in your lungs. This is beautiful.

Can you see it?

overheard

walking down a street past two kids.

kid 1: is that a boy or a girl?
kid 2: a girl, I think.

die.

?

why does jealousy suck so much?

i'm done.

let the game swallow me up.

Faces

mode a paris

so it is quite possibly my favourite time of the year… men’s fashion week!

Highlight so far – yesterday’s Louis Vuitton show. In the eyes of Paul Helbers and his team at Louis Vuitton, bike messengers are "the gentlemen butterflies" of the city, in honour of whom they created a collection that celebrated sleek, aerodynamic athleticism. and the accent color was taxi-cab yellow (LOVE!). There were prints that suggested worn urban surfaces, and striking footwear that looked like graffitied sequins.

Bruno Pieters has made a bold statement with his collection for Hugo by Hugo Boss. He has re-visioned Hugo Boss's avant-garde sibling as a pared-down exercise in fashion expressionism, all black and white and angles. Except this time there was a lot of blue, and a bit of red, too. Overall I liked this collection. Bruno took a risk, and I believe it paid off.

I’ll admit I had high hopes for the Gucci collection (as Frida Giannini is probably my favourite men’s designer – especially for spring) so I was a little disappointed at first. However, after looking again at the collection, I do like it. The thing I like about Frida is her use of colour. And this collection, it is a more subtle use, which is actually harder to do, right? So again, thumbs up to Frida! very sexy. very gucci.

Dsquared2 - WTF?? Dean and Dan, what were you thinking? But then again, it is a fun concept - Summer Camping.

Disappointments so far – Dries Van Noten and Jean Paul Gaultier. ew. Not even going to say anything about them. Look the collections up if you must, but I didn’t like them one bit.

ever wish?

ever wish you could live two lives?

why is it, that when you think you've got it all planned out, someone unexpected comes into your life and throws a spanner in the works.

and suddenly, you're not too sure about your plan, and this is when you wish you could live two lives. one for each fork in the road. see which one turns out better.

who said life was easy?

oh that's right, nobody.

but life is our everything
life is our nothing
life is our here and now
life is our there and then
but most importantly, life is our where and when

words

can mean so much, when they come from the right person...
i love my mum.

metabolism

dear god let me get through this alive

45 life lessons

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

p!nk

here are some pics from last night's concert.
she was amazing.
sorry about the crappy quality photos. my camera died.
so had to use my iphone.

story

so i am aware i have an addiction for sunglasses.

recently i've been on the hunt for tortoiseshell wayfarers.

so yesterday, i was in a store (whose name i shall not reveal), and i saw THEM! the PERFECT pair of tortoiseshell wayfarers! HOWEVER, as I went to pick them up, some snotty-nosed teenage girl snatched them up and started trying them on, showing her friends. i was ok with that. i would just wait until she put them down, and then i could get them. she then proceeded to the counter. she was buying them.
...

...

i could have cried.

i was devastated.

did this little SNOT realise how much i wanted those????

it was at that moment that something else caught my eye... a pair of clear-framed wayfarers, and i was reminded of an article i read which informed me of the latest trend in eyewear - see-through (the frames, that is).

so IN YOUR FACE, stupid girl.. you are sooo last week, and I am soooo now!

picture:

and then, because i am such an impulse buyer, at the next store i went into, i bought another pair... quite possibly could be called tortoise shell... but i'm thinking not.. maybe cobblestone?
picture:

top to bottom

michael kors sunglasses
vintage bonds tee
jeanswest belt
jayjays effekt shorts
cotton on lace-up shoes.

d&g

so i'm not usually a big D&G fan. I guess you could say I think it's a little... commercial, but this collection was actually the highlight of the mens fall 2009 season for me.

bring on spring 2010. bring on some colour, PLEASE?

sean o'pry

ok so most of you SHOULD know that i'm a huge fan of sean o'pry

so check out one of my fave bloggers, FABIOwho's post on his editorial in L'Officiel Hommes magazine. here are my fave shots:

so check out Fabio's blog for some more pics yes.

shoes

wish list

- a new bag
- a BIG funky umbrella
- tortoise shell wayfarers

lunch

so i found myself today sitting in my uusual "alone spot" at Uni (which I am the first to admit is not really the nicest spot on my campus, but I like to call it mine) eating my lunch, reading and replying to emails, when this guy just came up to me, asked me if he could sit down and ask me some questions.

At first I wanted to tell him to go away and leave me alone, but I don't know whether it was his exotic (lol) American accent or the fact that I had to kill time for an hour before my next class, but I invited him to sit. His name was Garett, and he was from Billings, Montana.

What followed was really quite an amazing part of my day. I knew straight away that he was one of these Christian students who travelled to another part of the globe on some sort of "mission" to share their faith.. so to begin with I was a little quiet. However, as we got into things, I really started to feed off the discussion. We talked about religion (obviously) and whether God forgives people who don't believe in him. And if everyone has the chance at the end of their life to ask for forgiveness, and therefore be welcomed to heaven, then why should we follow God during life?

Our discussion evolved onto talking about religion vs science, and the validity of the bible, and how accurate it may be? We talked about whether God wants a personal relationship with us or not, and how individuals should treat this supposed relationship.

I think by this stage, Garrett was satisfied with the discussion we'd had, and so we started talking more about his time here in Australia, and I shared my stories of my trip to the states last summer.

And before I knew it, it was time for me to go to class, and I had to leave Garrett.

Needless to say, after what really was a rewarding experience, I decided it was a good day.

i think it might storm

photos by me

autumn leaves

Photographed in my backyard on 29 May 2009

davey wavey

Best Blog EVER!!!!!

Davey Wavey is the man.

www.breaktheillusion.com

studying

alas, with my recent laptop purchase, the half-yearly ritual known as End-of-Semester-Study has migrated to my bed. (refer to picture below)

however, i find my legs get sore quite often, as well as my back. But it just seems to happen that I end up on my bed. Oh well.

I'm BACK!!!

Yes, I realise it must have felt like a lifetime, but you can all stop reading inferior blogs, and come back to OYSTER!!!! It has quite literally been forever since my last post, and I realise that you, as my followers, deserve an explanation.

So it all started with the normal case of writer's block (blogger's block, rather?) which lasted I'd say around a week. But then after that, I wanted to write so badly, but I either a) found myself sitting in front of my computer with nothing to write, b) found myself with a head FULL of creativity and bursting at the seams with perfect blog material, but I was nowhere in sight of a computer to write it all down, c) I simply had no time, d) i had more important things to do (alas, there ARE more important things than blogging.... even I will admit to that), or e) i would simply forget!

What's that I hear you mumble as you read this? but how could that last this long? HA! but it didn't!! you see, my (expletive) of a computer just decided to NOT turn on one day. May I point out that i had done NOTHING out of the ordinary with it, just the normal every-day use. And this one day i push the power button and it just starts to BEEEEEEEEP... non stop... and does NOTHING else!!! so LONG story short... i've been without a computer for quite some while now (let me say it has made uni very difficult indeed)

HOWEVER, today I purchased a BRAND NEW LAPTOP!!!! its an Acer Aspire 5536 and its bluee and its so sexy!! I would take a picture but i don't have enough light :( maybe i can google-link you. *searches google* oh yes.. here you go that is my SEXY new computer!!!!

so that is all for now... and i will blog later :)
missed you!!

o.

lead me on

I read this today...

"Ah yes, the subject no one never wants to think about. Being led on. Have you ever been led on? Probably. Have you ever led someone on?... probably. Some people live in the pain of being led on for decades. Some people live being led on... for decades. Some people get bitter. Some people get better. Some people never deal with it. Some people never stop dealing with it. Some people lead others on unintentionally. Some... on purpose.

It's likely at some stage or another, you yourself have led someone on. Maybe you didn't know it. Maybe you knew it full well.

It's also likely that you know what it's like to see signs that meant something you thought meant something else.

...How on earth do you deal with it? How do you get better and not bitter? No one wants to stay in that place.

Well I guess you have to deal with it differently if it's been intentional or not. It's hard to actually tell which one is worse. So let's see where we end up.

I guess the most common one is being led on unintentionally, or leading someone on unintentionally. Best described as wrong place at wrong time being interpreted as perfect place in ordained time by the other person. Usually the "leader-on-erer" will show understanding and concern when other people haven't. He'll have a shoulder to cry on. She'll listen to you (that's a big thing for guys). He'll care. She'll smile at you. Add this to a person's insecurities, or lonely mental state... that's usually how it happens.

But he didn't do to rescue you or sweep you off your feet. She didn't do it to get your attention. They were just being friendly. They saw you were hurting and wanted to give you a hand. Maybe you knew that, but because of your pain you just wanted it to be more.

Few things you can do here. First is... get your gear sorted. Like you should any time you feel any attraction for anyone, STOP and ask... hey, what am I actually attracted to here? Is it her, or the idea of not being alone? Is it him, or having someone to cry to? These things are attractive in a person, certainly, but make sure you're attracted to the person for the person.

Second... well, probably before this even, is make sure you have your gear sorted. An uneasy, lonely, confused heart is easily led astray by *anything* resembling affection. You need to have direction, purpose and Completeness before you think about inviting someone else in. In times where your heart is going ahead without you, make sure you have these things before you go running after it.

Third is the C word. COMMUNICATE. You need to communicate. Both parties. If you think you're being led on, you need to pull that person aside and tell them that you feel like you're being led on. One on ones can be dangerous, especially with this issue, but you need to talk about it. Don't do it at their house, or anywhere potentially romantic... might not end well for you. If you really can't do it, email or getting a trustworthy mediator might help.

"But we have such a good friendship, I don't want to endanger it"... This sounds mean, but unfortunately it's too late. Do everything you can to still be friends, but in cases where that may no longer be appropriate, you might need to pull back completely, for the sake of both of you.

Now... the interesting one. What happens when if you're leading someone on... and you know it? Let me put this simply.

People are intrinsically evil.

We are. I am. You are.

Have you ever caught yourself thinking or saying something malicious? Or doing something "righteous" which looks good to everyone else, but you know within yourself what you're really after? We'll do anything to satisfy our own desires.

Outside of that... you need to firstly work out, what are you really after? What are you gaining by keeping her "on the side" or "as an emergency"? Why do you really want him not to move on from you? You need to do this first, or else you'll never be able to then...

Stop it. Stop stringing them on. The looks you know you shouldn't give (girls, you know the look). The compliments and strength you definitely shouldn't provide (guys, you know *exactly* what they are). Cut it off. Set them free. And you need to apologise. It's really not fair. You also should tell your partner about this if you're currently dating someone. That goes for whether you're the person leading on, or the person being led on. Keeping it a secret hurts you, and will definitely hurt them... and your relationship.

It's not a topic we like talking about, or dealing with. But if we want to have the relationships, we need to be free from "plan B" women and "he's really confusing me" men.

commute

Ok so since I've been working at QPAC (which I absolutely LOVE! Best job I could possibly think of), I've been catching the bus..

and i've come to realise...

that I could write an entire novel on the events of one bus trip alone.
I never say a word along the whole journey, but there is so much said that doesn't need words.
I could write about the people that I encounter, and my thoughts about them. The people I find myself deeply intrigued by, and end up staring at them, only to pull my gaze away, realising how creepy it must seem. I think a lot about if people are doing the same to me.. what must they think? Are they judging me the way I am judging them? surely, they are. Oh, what I would give to know what they are thinking.

And then there's the bus driver.. for some reason I am fascinated by them. I always watch them in their little rear-vision mirror. What must they think? They must judge everyone as they get on their bus. They would have to! It is sort of their job, isn't it? And I wonder what sort of day they've had, because obviously that impacts what mood I find them in.

I rather like catching the bus. It makes me feel more of a citizen, if that makes sense? More of a commuter, a part of this city. Using public transport makes me feel good about myself, and I feel involved in the whole scheme of things. Whereas when I'm in my car, I'm so removed from society. Isolated. I am in my own little world, listening to my radio, and not really caring about the other people on the roads. In fact, I don't even look at the people in the cars.. just the cars themselves.. Driving is so much more impersonal than buses. In a sense, you build a kind of rapport with the other "regulars" that catch the same bus at the same time. They are your safety-net on the bus. I'd like to think they had my back, and that I have theirs. And hey, one day someone might just actually say something.

out.

QPAC

So as most of you already know, I got a new job at QPAC! I'm so excited! It's always been a dream job of mine, and I'm SUPER excited to be starting now, because 1) Chicago opens next week, and 2) They've just completed there $34Million refurbishment!!!!

here are some pics:-

i remember

ok. so its day 2 and i've remembered how much i hate uni.
but i'm a soldier. i soldier on. i've already done a year of it, may as well finish it.
i've realised i just become comfortable with where i am, and i don't like to change, even if its probably best to.
But how can i say that? i DO like change! Don't I? I always used to think I did. Actually, I think I like the novelty of change, but soon enough, when the novelty wears off, I don't like it.
I HAVE realised in the past couple of days I have a serious case of "Grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. I'm just never content. And I don't think I ever will be, either. Its something I'll have to learn to live with. And probably suppress that longing for something different, and just suck it up and accept what i've got.
oh no, i didn't mean for this to be another "woe is me" blog... but somehow it turned into one....
i'll just come back to blogging in a couple of days... maybe i'll be happier then.

P.S. my keyboard is annoying me

escape?

I've never felt more alone or out of place. Like I don't belong here with these people. They just don't understand me.

I apologise for the depressing-themed blogs of late. I promise the next one will be happy.

interview.

my interview is tomorrow.
eek.

ever

ever stop for a moment to look at your life? ever wish your life was going in a completely different direction? ever despise where your life is? ever look into your future and utterly hate what you see? ever hate the life you're living? and wish your life could be completely different? in fact, the total opposite? sometimes i feel like going insane because the life i'm living, and the road i'm travelling is simply wrong. this path i'm walking down, i sometimes think (even after i've come so far already) i chose the wrong path, and now its too late to take another. isn't it? i just would have wasted so much energy walking all this way down the path i'm on right now, can i just give that all up and suddenly walk another way?

i think i've also realised i'm simply never happy.

i want to rewind my life.

warning: oscar spoilers

so i just watched the academy awards.

I was rooting for Kate Winslet, Sean Penn, and any award Milk was up for.
So i was stoked for Kate and Sean. I cried when Kate won.
surprisingly, i didn't cry when heath ledger won - it was all done so well.
for some reason, i found myself hating slumdog millionaire...
probably just because it was taking a lot of awards away from Milk. lol.
but i just haven't seen it.
apparently its a very good film. i should see it.
i thought hugh jackman did a great job.
LOVED the musical number
"The musical is back!"
i think thats about it :)

oh p.s. i just remembered dustin lance black made me cry in his acceptance speech. (of course :P)

announcement

much to your disappointment (well maybe 2 of you), i will not be reviewing last night's top 18 performance. i've decided against this because this blog is about anything but routine. it's quite spontaneous, and i'd hate for my followers to "expect" something from o.p.

but i will say -- i'm totally on the bandwagon of TEAM PENNY!

On the Street......Sixth Ave., NYC
The Sartorialist

gucci summer '09

love love love frida giannini

thanks to FABIOwho?

textbooks

a lot of people hate textbooks. And don't get me wrong, I totally see where they are coming from. But i secretly love textbooks. Maybe its my inner nerd coming out in me, but every semester, nothing thrills me more than standing outside the co-op, checking the text lists, writing down my prescribed texts, and then entering the store, and buying every one (even if we don't actually need them). There is just something about owning the textbook that is, i don't know, safe? Eg, I know they are always there if i need to look something up at the last minute. And more pretensiously, I like having them there, so it looks like I actually know something about something. I suppose I think they are kind of impressive. Like when people come over, maybe they are intimidated when they see these monstrous texts about things they can't even pronounce ("what is biomolecular?") and I think that makes me feel good. Thats incredibly orchidaceous, i know, so i apologise.
Having said that, however, I still have a soft spot for textbooks, and think I always will.

group

sytycd top 20 performance

BEN & PANIA - Contemporary

Choreographer: Marko Panzic
Song: "Talk Like That" - The Presets

What a great way to kick off the show for 2009! Really good energy! It was a really kooky concept, but I loved it! Marko rules lol! The Courier Mail today said it was an "insane" interpretation of a Presets number. I really loved the synchornised floorwork. really cool. I didn't like the end when they were staring at the light... stoopid.

I don't really like Pania... but she might grow on me... I REALLY like BEN! probably only cuz he's a QUEENSLANDER!! hahah. Interesting note -- Ben and Matt Lee were Chorus members together in The Boy From Oz with Hugh Jackman! (which was choreographed by Kenny Ortega and Kelly Abbey!)


EMMANUEL & TALIA - Cha Cha

Choreographer: Jason Gilkison
Song: "Hound Dog" - Smokey Joe's Cafe

Ok.. I really wanted to like this.. I mean, come on- a Jason Gilkison Cha Cha? with Talia, probably the most technically perfect dancer the competition has seen?? gotta be awesome, right? but somehow,, it wasn't.. I just didn't like it. The start was stupid.. i was like ok start dancing already, and I kept getting distracted by Talia's costume.. she had too much on I thought. I'm sorry. I REALLY like Talia though, she is so good, (well she has to be - Queensland Ballet much?) but its no secret i don't like Emman.. cocky B-Boys annoy me. So I'm just gonna comeout and say I hope emmanuel goes and Talia gets a new partner next week :)


TIMOMATIC & LAMB - Lyrical

Choreographer: Travers Ross
Song: "Rainbow" - Elisa

Hold up!!! WTF are their names???? ok seriously,, wats wrong with just calling you tim? Timomatic is just SToopid (cocky b-boy much?? haha bet you can guess i don't like him) and lamb?? come on... i'm sure you have a real name and i'm SURE its probably a better name than lamb. Ok that rant is over now.. the dance... was good. I can't really think of much else to say.. their unison could have been a bit better, but other than that was alright. I agree with Jason when he said it was a bit more hip-hoppy. I thought there was a lot of popping and i was like .. popping? lyrical? ok...... And it is at this point i will point out i HATE when they end dances and they just fade the music out... so friggin dumb. so second-rate i think.. don't they have sound engineers or something that can end the song a bit nicer than just a fade-out?? i mean, come on i think a seven-year-old could do a fade-out.... pick up your act, network 10!


DAMIEN & AMY - Broadway

Choreographer: Adam Williams
Song: "Puttin' on the Ritz" - Rufus Wainwright

I nearly died when Damien uttered the words "What is Broadway?" ....... :- ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? WHAT IS BROADWAY???? leave... now... just leave.. ughhh.. and i still can't believe he is 18... no way is he 18?!?!?! ok the dance -- well it is my favourite genre.. so OF COURSE i'm going to L O V E it. and i did. very sassy. good. Amy is EXCELLENT! she is one to watch. she is so good. her costume was SICK! loved it! Damien did a good job. better than i expected to be honest. and the jive kicks - LOVED IT!! (I love jive kicks - don't know if they're actually called that.. but thats what they are)


STEPHEN & ASH-LEIGH - Rumba

Choreographer: Sandro Catalano
Song: "My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion

I don't care what you say,,,, this was NOT a rumba. This was too ambitious for week one. Shame on you, sandro. They danced it beautifully, but they are not gonna get votes because of the choreography!! again, shame on you, sandro. This dance would have been so good if it was later in the comp when they knew eachother better and had a connection. but not first dance together, no way. (side note -- how STUPID was the kiss??? so forced!! i hated it! was anyone else thinking,, ash-leigh's fiance was in the top 40 much?)


CHARLIE & PENNY - Hip Hop



Choreographer: Tiana Joubert
Song: "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" - Beyoncé

OH MY GOD!! HOW GOOD WERE THEY!?!?!??!!? BEST DANCE OF THE NIGHT!!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVED IT!!! IT WAS HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT!!!! so much energy!! so good!! the unison was like SPOT-ON!

And now lets talk about how much I LOVE these two... first of all I LOVE what I now call Penny's "ugly-face" not that she has an ugly face, just her face she makes when she's excited is sooo adorably-ugly!! i LOVE IT! and "embrace the Penny" was the best line!! Believe me, I am embracing the Penny!! and how funny is Charlie.... i was in hysterics when he was doing the beyonce dance and he said he needed a cold shower!! Seriously I love these two.. straight to the top of my list. standout faves. FIVE STARS!


DANNY & KAT - Lyrical

Choreographer: Debbie Ellis
Song: "Llorando (Crying)" - Angelo Badalamenti

How beautiful. Danny is my favourite male dancer in the comp. He is an AMAZING technical dancer. Kat is alright. She is lucky to have Danny for a partner.. he will carry her through, I think. Their lifts were seamless, the unison was perfect.. I actually can't fault this routine..

Ok.. now.. before the ad-break before they performed when they show the couple.. did anyone else think it was awkward and that the camera was intruding on some private serious moment? they were hugging and had serious faces on.. made me feel awkward.

And... when Jason told Kat how she is so mature, etc... her reaction to that couldn't have been any more immature!! i was like uhhh... ok..


JESSE & MAX - Contemporary

Choreographer: Shaun Parker
Song: "Kids" - MGMT

First of all I would like to say "AARRGHH" at Jesse's forehead.. I believe it to be from another planet, and it scares me. That is all. oh god this dance was horrible. I liked Max in the top100 week, but now, she has disappointed me. This was so sloppy!! the lifts were heinous!! somebody needs to teach max how to be graceful!


BJ & GIANNE - Quickstep

Choreographer: Leeanne Bampton
Song: "Sparkling Diamonds" - Moulin Rouge! Soundtrack

I loved this dance instantly! The snake is one of my FAVOURITE lifts! and Sparkling Diamonds is such a good quickstep song! The footwork was soo good. The last lift was just horrible though.. but if you look around it, it was a GREAT piece. (i actually didn't realise that BJ had tassels literally wrapped around his head, until i watched it a second time! - poor guy.. I wondered why his hair was messed up for judging)

I love Gianne! (again-- QLDer!!!) she always makes me smile! she's one of those people that lights up a room! and everybody knows I didn't like BJ... but he impressed me!! I think he might be growing on me! those jumps he did at the beginning were good! and his actual quickstepping was really good too! So BJ has moved up on my list


LOREDO & CHANELLE - Jazz

Choreographer: Project Moda
Song: "Poker Face" - Lady Gaga

First of all, can I say how glad I am that nobody mentioned chanelle's scoliosis!! I'm sick of hearing about it, and I think she would be too! There is more to her than her disability! She's a great dancer! But omg poor Loredo. I cringed when i saw him hit his head.. poor boy. but good on him for doing the dance. I think the "Slinky" would have been cool,, but the dance was great without it! I can't even tell where the slinky would have been?? But yes, I loved the concept of the dance. I LOVE project moda!! they are cool!!
side-note: HAHA at chanelle's faces she pulls all throughout the dane. classic!


SO THIS WEEK MY VOTES WENT TO:-

Charlie & Penny
Danny & Kat
BJ & Gianne

pop has won the war
war god end all joy
pop too fad for mob
god the bad est fad
one ego can say war
mad hip cat can dig
one big man ate god
nil all god and man
was eve the bad one
her joy can end war
his joy her ass end
run its the pig man

films that will ALWAYS make me cry:
(in alphabetical order)

1. Atonement
2. Ladder 49
3. Milk
4. Patch Adams
5. Titanic
6. United 93

quota.

i believe there is a quota, a certain number of words the human body likes to say in a day.
and when you've said that many words, you just don't want to talk anymore.
just sit in silence.
quiet.
why can't people understand that?

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuity of Happiness."

- the Declaration of Independence written by Thomas Jefferson in 1776

All men are created equal? Yeah, I like that. Nothing else should matter. It shouldn't matter if your man or woman; Or the colour of your skin. It shouldn't matter how much you weigh, or the colour of your hair. It shouldn't matter if you have tattoos, or piercings everywhere? It shouldn't matter if your gay or straight, or somewhere in between. It shouldn't matter who you make friends with, or what you like to do together. It shouldn't matter what time you stay up until at night, or how long you sleep in. It shouldn't matter what you choose to do with your life, or how you make your living. It shouldn't matter what neighbourhood you live in, or what sort of car you drive. It shouldn't matter what clothes you wear, or if they are "cool" or "not". It shouldn't matter what your interests are, or how you spend your free time. It shouldn't matter what music you listen to, or what movies you watch. It shouldn't matter what your favourite colour is, or your sense of style. It shouldn't matter how you talk, or how you sing, for that matter. It shouldn't matter how you walk. It shouldn't matter who you love, or who loves you. It shouldn't matter how much money you earn, or how much money you spend. It shouldn't matter.

It just shouldn't matter.. But our sick, deluded, masochistic, idiotic, crazy, bird-brained, moronic, insane, imbecilic, lunatic society somehow decided it does matter, and that infuriates me. Because somehow, although all men are created equal, yes; when these men grow up, society doesn't treat them equal. I believe that every person walking the planet has experienced some sort of discrimination in their life time. Undue discrimination which is simply unneccessary.

What SHOULD matter is that society does not judge individuals on purely that... being an INDIVIDUAL. Everyone has the right to express themselves however they want to. Everyone has the right to be their own person, but at the same time, be treated EQUALLY.

thank you.

that is all.

o.

milk

"It takes no compromising to give people their rights. It takes no money to respect the individual. It takes no survey to remove repressions." - Harvey Milk




"I know that we cannot live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living. And you, and you, and you, gotta give'em hope." - Harvey Milk

block.

i want to write a new post.
believe me, i do.
but i have no inspiration.

i'm gonna do an inspiration dance (in the fashion of a rain dance)

photos

some of my favourite photos from america. i wish i was a better photographer. and i wish i had a better camera.