EOS

most painful month in the year.

i need to get through this.

talent

happy.

I'm on top of the world.
Had the greatest day!
Can't wait for another great day.
and work wasn't too bad either :P
but my thoughts were elsewhere.

expecting

this weekend is going to be awesome.
that is all.
smile.

i need

I need

to study microbiology
a haircut
to buy a camera
to start my reproductive physiology assignment
to go to the doctors
to buy hiking boots
to pass my last lab for the year
to go shopping for things I need for Peru
to look at the stats assignment
to catch up in stats
to try and get my head around molecular biology
to somehow not cut my friends out and maintain some form of a social life
to buy pants
to stop alienating my family
to start being grateful towards them
to think about applying for qimr summer studentship
to train harder for trek
to somehow organise my own going-away
to keep up with my tv shows
to see fame
to see mao's last dancer
to somehow get more shifts at work
more money
to buy aladdin on dvd
to stop using facebook so much
to stop searching for love and let it find me
to just be me

all in a month. here's to lists. cheers.

life

isn't new life just beautiful? just utter perfection. she enters this world and she is perfect. 5 tiny fingers with 5 tiny nails, 5 tiny toes with the same. the lines on her palm match those on my own. amazing, isn't it? her eyes full of so much wonderment, i wish i could remember what runs through our minds at that age. when your only a few hours old, life must seem forever. but it's these moments that remind us that it's not. as often as life begins, life must also end. inspiring to think as one finishes their life, reflecting on everything they were, every choice they made, every experience they had, every person they had touched, another is just beginning their life with a clean slate, a blank page, completely unwritten and undefined, no choices made, no experiences had, completely untouched. new life is simply beautiful. emily claire, i'm in love.

fancy-dress

such fun to be had by all. i want to learn to sew. i want to papier-machê more often. such fun to be had by all.

(half) life

i knew that i'd get like this again, that's why I try to keep at bay. be a hundred percent when i'm with you and then, the perfect heart's length away. the stickler is you've played not one beat wrong. you never promised me anything. even sat me down and warned me just how they fall, i knew the odds were i'd never win. yet here i am. it's a half life, with you as my quarterback. a daft life. my self-worth measured in text back tempo, it's been two days and 8 minutes too slow. well there may well be others but I still like to pretend that I'm the one you really want to grow old with. got a schedule to stick to, got a world to keep sweet, you're so much to everyone all the time. will you ever slow down? will I ever come first? the universe contracts to sigh. it's a half life, with you as my quarterback. a daft life. hold me darling, please. you know you'll never be lonely, no you'll always be loved, and maybe you never need more than that. but for the surplus that loves, what's to become of us? does it even register on your conscience? long for one last showdown from a box in a crowd, air compressed tight to explode. i'm clenching my ticket to the only way out, as you disappear in a puff of smoke. it's a half life, with you as my quarterback. a daft life.

connect.

I haven't posted what I would call a substantial blog in a while now, so I guess there is potentially a lot I could talk about.

One thing I will mention, is I guess due to stress and other things, maybe I've seemed a bit blue lately, and apparently it is showing. Lately, I'm often being asked if I'm ok, that I seem a bit sad and down. It really strikes me as surprising that people notice this, because I usually try to put out a really positive outlook in public, so it must be a significant change for people to notice.

However, I promise you its not as bad as some people might think. Like I said, its just stress, nothing I haven't encountered before. It comes in a package-deal with a university degree, doesn't it? Not to mention the pressure I put on myself, which is completely unjustified, but I just can't seem to help it. It's just me, I guess. My life really is like a rollercoaster, up and down, up and down. The ups are amazing, and the downs downright suck.

Something that always makes me up is friends. I've done a lot of thinking about friends and friendship lately. It really is quite an amzing thing to think about. Over the past couple of months, I think I've made the most new friends ever in my life. And I've got to say, nothing beats the feeling of making a new friend. Actually, no. Something does, catching up with dear old friends. So basically any activity which involves seeing the people you care for is really quite inspiring.

Whether its a friend you met last week who you really have a connection with and are still in that getting to know eachother phase so you do fun things like see a play together, or take a walk. Or perhaps its your oldest, dearest friend who you know inside and out, and you just chill in their bedroom all night, just talking crap, but it feels like home because you are together. And then there are those times where you have a big even planned with your friends, and the day finally comes, and it is everything you expected and then some. Those are fun days.

However, nothing comes close to the feeling of bumping into a friend you haven't seen in weeks, months or even years, and striking up the most spontaneous conversation, which turns into lunch, which turns into a whole afternoon together, reconnecting and rekindling your friendship. This is a sign of a true bond with someone, someone who you can confidently call your friend.

So here's to budding friendships. And to old friendships.

Different stages of one and the same thing.

without you

the ground thaws
the rain falls
the grass grows
the seeds root
the flowers bloom
the children play
the stars gleam
the poets dream
the eagles fly
the earth turns
the sun burns
the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves
the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash
the crowds roar
the days soar
the babies cry
the moon glows
the river flows
the world revives
colours renew
but i know blue
only blue
lonely blue
within me, blue
the hand gropes
the ear hears
the pulse beats
the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathe
the mind churns
the heart yearns
the tears dry
life goes on
...
but i'm gone
'cause i'd die
without you