In what is now the last few hours of this year, I am left yet again to look back on the last 365 days and contemplate how far I've come. Every year people say how big that year was for them, and this year is no different for me either. If nothing else, it just makes me both so excited yet extremely petrified of the year to come. If so much has happened in this year, what the hell does next year have in store?
fuck.
This time last year I had no idea what was in front of me. med school. moving out of home. international conferences. a new world. new endeavours. new responsibilities. so many new friends. Yet still lonely *sigh*.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm never alone. I have so many family and friends that I am never short of someone to talk to, yet I am always just missing that one special person who I can call mine, and they can call me theirs. And that void in my life leaves me breathless when I think of it.
In September this year, I went to visit a friend of mine who lives in Japan. I took a day to visit some temples in beautiful Kyoto by myself, and I had my fortune read at one of them, and the lady gave me a big piece of parchment which said a whole manner of things about my "future" but there was one line which I will never forget and still makes me weep a little:
"You will find true love later, rather than sooner"
This cripples me. I spend nearly every waking moment imagining my future, a future where I have a partner - a companion - a lover - my other half. And now I apparently won't find someone until much later in life? fuck that! gah. I am left now wondering why do I feel this need to be partnered, because nearly every time I've been in a relationship, I have never really enjoyed it. After all, I am a Sagittarius, who are notorious for being freedom-loving souls who can't really stay in one place for very long. Perhaps I am not destined for love. Perhaps I should be content with lighter relationships, like acquaintances and friends.
One things for certain - I can't seem to catch a break. Some couples make it look so easy. They just fall in love, like that. For some reason, it's never that easy for me. Why am I forced to try so hard. Perhaps my fate is in the way. Destined to be alone.
So love life aside, 2011 held a lot of new friends for me. Med school brought with it 150 new friends. I love the people I am at uni with, but at times they scare the shit out of me because they can be so intimidating. I feel so inadequate at times and wonder whether I will make a good doctor. I hope so... I still have 3 years to get the hang of it. Just have to focus, I guess.
Work is as wonderful as ever. I love QPAC so much. It really is my home away from home. The people are the loveliest. I never want to leave. So many people there have become my closest friends ever and I will keep them in my life forever. Best people to talk to and go to for advice.
I'll stop ranting now. All I can say is, Happy New Year, and bring on 2012. shit, I hope it goes well. But if not, I'll soldier on I guess.
