oyster pondering

just a tip

2012-01-23T23:05:00.000+10:00

I hate being called "Buddy".

being clear

2012-01-15T20:43:00.004+10:00

This great unfolding novel we call life; the joy, the sadness, the beauty, the ugliness, such an amazing chance, such an incredible stroke of luck, or genius.

To wake up every morning and see the trees and the sunlight.

To be able to stroke the cat and to make toast.

To be able to hear neighbours sawing logs and shout at them about the noise...

I am a man. I am 22 and I have a life.

I love it, but I'm sick of doing it alone.

I want someone to share it with. Someone to say, "Yes it is a beautiful day."

Someone to say, "Shut up, mellow out." Someone to say, "Will you cook or shall I?" and "Please don't make that disgusting green soup again."

Someone to say "I love you too."

I can see him in my mind. He looks normal, ordinary, except for a glint in the eye, a tendency to smile a lot.

We laugh a lot together. He takes the piss out of me all the time.

We are busy separate entities with different interests and different friends, but when we meet I tell him about the bird I saw in the garden, the accident I nearly had on the highway. He tells me of the sad old tramp he saw outside his work place and I read him a phrase from the book I'm currently reading.

And it's all even more beautiful, even more sad, even more poignant, than if we weren't two.

Slowly, surely, we start to decode the mysteries of life together. The power, the amazing, moving, incredibleness of it all becomes even bigger, even more, until our hearts are filled and we think we might explode at the joy of just being able to do it together.

And then of course, we shag.

Yes I am

2012-01-14T19:57:00.001+10:00

rose-coloured

2012-01-11T22:33:00.001+10:00

So everyone tells me why I should hate you.

But why do I think you're still perfect?

Kelly

2012-01-08T17:45:00.001+10:00

third

2012-01-07T19:55:00.002+10:00

third depresso post. sigh.

I heard that you're settled down, that you found a girl and you're married now. I heard that your dreams came true. Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you. Old friend, why are you so shy? Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light. I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but I couldn't stay away. I couldn't fight it. I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over. Never mind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Dont forget me. I begged. I remember you said, 'sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead. You'd know how the time flies. Only yesterday was the time of our lives. We were born and raised in a summer haze, bound by the surprise of our glory days. Nothing compares. No worries or cares. Regrets and mistakes. They are memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste? Never mind, I'll find someone like you.

NEW

2012-01-06T16:14:00.001+10:00

13 tops
6 shorts

thank YOU, mummy <3

2012 wardrobe, ohhh yeahhh

:D

2012-01-05T00:17:00.004+10:00

I understand. I got the message loud and clear. Don't worry, there is no possibility of misconstruction. Consider it my final warning. I'm waving the flag, so to speak.

How could I be so stupid as to let this happen again? I haven't learnt, have I? My hopes and dreams too eagerly run away from me, and my sense of reality is left rather ill-equipped. I look for any and every sign that my dreams are coming true, and selectively ignore those that they are not, yet it is these which accumulate until they all hit me at once, and my hopes and dreams are smashed, left in pieces on the floor of my soul.

I'm sick of it. I won't allow this to happen to me again. I guess this is how people become jaded and bitter, and I guess I am no longer immune. It's only a matter of time before I acquire a litter of cats, and start blasting Adele lyrics out of my stereo, literally or figuratively - i don't care - both are pathetic - an accurate representation of how I feel. pathetic (adj.), miserably inadequate. that's me.

I think there's something wrong with my heart.

yes i still have this

2012-01-03T11:07:00.002+10:00

brendan.

just thought i'd send you a message to let you know what a great friend you are. i don't know if i've ever told you how much i appreciate you.

you are one of the funniest people i have ever met and you don't even try to be funny! you make me smile no matter what and i love that about you. i always look forward to hanging out with you because i know i'm set for laughter.

you're honest, loyal, understanding and you write the best comments. i hope that i can be half the friend to you that you are to everyone who is lucky enough to be a part of your life - even if they don't know they are lucky.

love ya guts brendan :)

xxx

no, i love YOUR guts, J.E.A. <3

2011

2011-12-31T18:35:00.003+10:00

So it has been a very long time since my last blog, however I can't go this entire year without posting, so here is my one and only post for 2011...

In what is now the last few hours of this year, I am left yet again to look back on the last 365 days and contemplate how far I've come. Every year people say how big that year was for them, and this year is no different for me either. If nothing else, it just makes me both so excited yet extremely petrified of the year to come. If so much has happened in this year, what the hell does next year have in store?

fuck.

This time last year I had no idea what was in front of me. med school. moving out of home. international conferences. a new world. new endeavours. new responsibilities. so many new friends. Yet still lonely *sigh*.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm never alone. I have so many family and friends that I am never short of someone to talk to, yet I am always just missing that one special person who I can call mine, and they can call me theirs. And that void in my life leaves me breathless when I think of it.

In September this year, I went to visit a friend of mine who lives in Japan. I took a day to visit some temples in beautiful Kyoto by myself, and I had my fortune read at one of them, and the lady gave me a big piece of parchment which said a whole manner of things about my "future" but there was one line which I will never forget and still makes me weep a little:

"You will find true love later, rather than sooner"

This cripples me. I spend nearly every waking moment imagining my future, a future where I have a partner - a companion - a lover - my other half. And now I apparently won't find someone until much later in life? fuck that! gah. I am left now wondering why do I feel this need to be partnered, because nearly every time I've been in a relationship, I have never really enjoyed it. After all, I am a Sagittarius, who are notorious for being freedom-loving souls who can't really stay in one place for very long. Perhaps I am not destined for love. Perhaps I should be content with lighter relationships, like acquaintances and friends.

One things for certain - I can't seem to catch a break. Some couples make it look so easy. They just fall in love, like that. For some reason, it's never that easy for me. Why am I forced to try so hard. Perhaps my fate is in the way. Destined to be alone.

So love life aside, 2011 held a lot of new friends for me. Med school brought with it 150 new friends. I love the people I am at uni with, but at times they scare the shit out of me because they can be so intimidating. I feel so inadequate at times and wonder whether I will make a good doctor. I hope so... I still have 3 years to get the hang of it. Just have to focus, I guess.

Work is as wonderful as ever. I love QPAC so much. It really is my home away from home. The people are the loveliest. I never want to leave. So many people there have become my closest friends ever and I will keep them in my life forever. Best people to talk to and go to for advice.

I'll stop ranting now. All I can say is, Happy New Year, and bring on 2012. shit, I hope it goes well. But if not, I'll soldier on I guess.

100.

2010-10-18T18:33:00.003+10:00

100th post.
look how far I've come!

Apologies for the HUGE delay in posting this... final semester of a university degree will do that to you, I guess!

On a related note, I GOT IN TO MED SCHOOL!!!!

That's right, dudes and dudettes! I'm moving to the Gold Coast in the new year to begin my new ~~hell~~ life as a bonafide medical student! Bring it on, I say!

Anothing thing I have coming up are my 21st Birthday! Pretty excited. It's going to be an 80's themed party, and is going to be the most awesome night ever (... well it better be).

Then two weeks after that is my graduation! squeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Then I'm looking at a small Melbourne trip... hmmm still not sure though..

anyway, here's to 100 posts, and may there be 100+ more!

b.

locked out of happiness

2010-08-01T20:39:00.001+10:00

Locked out of happiness

RYAN HEATH

July 24, 2010

Gay marriage is not about symbolism, politics or taking a stand. It is about letting more than 1 million Australians join an institution that makes people happier.

IN AN ever more populous and competitive world nothing can be taken for granted.

While Australia takes pride in its tradition of adapting with the times, of embracing and accepting difference if it is clear we might benefit, it is not inevitable that we will continue to prosper from change. Australia may have been an innovator in social policy, from pensions to "populate or perish" immigration and difficult economic reform to cope with globalisation, but it seems to be falling away from mainstream progress on 21st-century issues of social capital. Piecemeal support for childcare is one example, but the most glaring and easily fixable problem is the lack of marriage equality in Australia.

The institution of marriage is so much a part of life's tapestry that most Australians take it for granted. We cannot imagine an Australia without it, so we do not bother to imagine it at all in a political sense. But for more than a million Australians marriage cannot be taken for granted. It cannot be taken at all.

Here the Western tendency to prioritise the economic in favour of the social, and the Australian tendency to take good things for granted, collide. Yet the absence of marriage equality from Australian life is harming many, and will end up hurting the institution and the country at large.

While gay rights movements have enjoyed rapid success in Australia — achieving a near legislative volte-face in just two generations — there is much they could not predict and which no social movement could control. Australia has accorded to homosexuals a range of rights, mostly relating to private relations. We have yet to link them to the sorts of responsibilities that can give a full and balanced meaning to those rights.

The absence of marriage and, importantly, the prospect of it, in these million-plus lives denies gay and lesbian Australians the best social support structure available in our society. For more than 150 years, data on the effects of marriage has demonstrated that marriage builds happier, healthier and longer lives. While no two marriages are alike, most are roughly the same. Being in a marriage is likely to save you expensive care costs, steer you away from crime, and deliver a sense of security that reduces stress and its ill effects. Name another institution or government policy that can do all that.

In contrast, consider what the absence of role models, development paths and stability might do to those who cannot marry. Is there no connection between this and the disproportionate numbers of suicides and risky and addictive behaviours found in gay communities? Are we not denying the very best safety net to some of the people who need it most?

Opponents of marriage equality may be enraged not so much by the marriage aspect as the homosexual aspect. But herein lies the key to gaining grassroots support for change. Marriage is an excellent conservative institution, but for gays, getting married is the most radical way to express their commitment to each other.

Extending marriage is therefore a unique opportunity to bridge political and cultural divides.

By adding to an existing institution, rather than wrecking it or building a rival one, marriage equality also meets the core test of conservatism: guarding what works, in order to save it from sacrifice at the altar of fashion.

It fits with the pattern of Western liberal history, of including in an institution good people who make a good case to join. The rights of workers to own property, indigenous Australians to be citizens, women to vote — these cases set the precedent for allowing gays to marry.

To be part of marriage means to be part of society. Were your parents married? Do you think your classmates from high school would have expected to marry? How many single 40-year-olds did you know as a child? The answers will almost certainly illustrate that marriage is a powerful norm.

Yet most gay and lesbian Australians have spent most of their lives believing marriage is not something they will experience. The empty feeling this produces is best captured by English actor Sir Ian McKellen, who said in an interview: "It never crossed my mind that it'd ever be possible for me [to get married]. That's the scar that I and so many others bear — we believed ourselves to be second-rate citizens for so long, the idea of being able to say, 'This is my husband, these are my children', was not an option."

Perhaps it is the parents of gay children who are best placed to see that marriage is often the best shot their children will have at happiness. In hoping for happy children, it is hard to see why one should get this chance and not the other. As the fears of parents shift from questions like "What will the neighbours think?" and "Will he get AIDS?", the question of marriage keeps rising to the surface. Why would any parent want to condemn their child to what the journalist Jonathan Rauch describes as "a partnerless life in a sexual underworld"?

No families and couples I have interviewed in my research on the topic want this insecure existence. I have spoken to couples from Brisbane who saved for a year to fly to Canada to be married alone in a registry office, and others who left Australia because it was the only way to be with the one they loved. I've listened to mothers from Wollongong talk about the pain of seeing one daughter marry while the other is left in limbo. I have watched the frantic balancing act of gay politicians pushing uphill to change the law while desperately trying to keep their own personal lives together. And everywhere I have found couples who feel the burden and responsibility of being public role models, who fear that if their relationship or marriage founders they will help ruin the future for everyone. Nearly half of all opposite-sex marriages fail, despite their total anonymity. So imagine how hard it is for same-sex relationships to survive public pressure without the social endorsement that opposite-sex marriages enjoy.

It makes it easy to wonder whether the walls of privacy around the likes of Penny Wong and Bob Brown tell us more about their own nature or that of Australian politics. Is it just a coincidence that we know next to nothing about the family lives of our gay politicians?

The punters are racing ahead of the law, if opinion polls are to be believed: most Australians now regularly tell pollsters they support marriage equality. While these responses are a welcome sign of progress for equality activists, the strength of this support remains unclear. Will it dissipate as did support for euthanasia, in the face of aggressive opposition, or founder when the choice is not about a general principle but a specific model, as with an Australian republic?

No major political party supports marriage equality, quarantining discussion to the fringes of politics — Senate inquiries, web petitions, street rallies and queer magazines. The advantage of this political cul-de-sac is that it gives equality supporters time to mobilise the growing list of supportive data and hone arguments that engage the "middle Australians" politicians court and fear. A longer debate also forces Australians to confront their own prejudices. Would you be happy to take your kids to a wedding with two blokes walking down the aisle? What if one of the blokes is your brother? Do you really think gay relationships are as meaningful as your own?

Naturally, some Australians will take time to adjust to such ideas. The elaborate sets of support and understanding for opposite-sex marriage took thousands of years to settle, and it is only 21 years since Denmark introduced the first gay weddings. But in taking time, campaigners may be giving Australia something much better. As the writer Alain de Botton writes: "You can't legislate for humanity." You can't legislate for the feeling that you are OK as a person, the feeling that you and your relationship matter. Only a supportive community can provide that, and only a full debate can guide Australia to that outcome.

Gay and lesbian Australians now enjoy tolerance, but not acceptance. Approval of same-sex marriage would mean acceptance by the rest of Australia. That may surprise the many liberal Australians who now have gay friends and family. Yet beyond geographical pockets, and the millions of individuals who accept gays and lesbians for who they are and what they aspire to be, it cannot be said that acceptance is the social norm or the legal standard. Yearly extravaganzas such as the Sydney Mardi Gras are not a norm; a norm is what goes on in public every day when the cameras aren't looking. And it is perhaps only the ongoing public institution of marriage that would bring Australians to a state of acceptance, and indicate to gay Australians that they are wanted.

Not So Private Lives, a recent research project by the University of Queensland, found that four-fifths of the 2300 gay and lesbian Australians surveyed want the right to marry. Most, including those in committed relationships, aspire to marriage. That means about a million of Australia's estimated 1.3 million or more gays and lesbians support marriage equality. And more than half a million of them want to marry.

In this era of mass migration and the death of distance where, as Brigid Delaney puts it, we churn through dozens of jobs, countries and lovers, it seems the greatest request of these communities is nothing more than the right to settle down.

Imagine arbitrarily telling all the residents of Canberra or the northern suburbs of Perth that they will never be allowed to marry. Imagine telling the several hundred thousand children of same-sex couples (whether from previous relationships, adoption, surrogacy or an alternative arrangement) that you think their parents don't deserve to marry like their friends' parents.

AS WITH all forms of discrimination, the type that surrounds gay relationships is corrosive to its victims. It's rarely one personal act or one law that cements the inequality — it builds slowly over time.

I realised early in discovering my sexuality that honesty meant I could not have a married future. It made me worry about disappointing my family. Having no personal experience to go on, my family in turn had no words with which to discuss my relationships. Very quickly, I went from a person shy of discussing private life with family to being unable to talk about it all. It cut me off from my parents when they wanted to reach out most; it damaged my relationship with a gay sibling who dealt differently with the situation. And I cannot believe it would have been like this if I lived in a country where gay marriage and a language for gay relationships existed.

Multiply that frustration and pain a million times over, and you get a sense of what the status quo is doing to Australian families.

Would the creation of a rival to marriage, a kind of "civil union" system, be a solution? No. You are either equal or not. And what would it mean for marriages made overseas? Would they finally gain recognition, or will Australia continue to refuse to recognise them? Imagine if you were to suddenly become single in the eyes of the law while visiting Europe with your husband of 20 years. It happens every day to foreigners visiting Australia, where you must leave your same-sex marriage at the border along with your fruit and the soil on your shoes.

These scenarios are not the fair go we have all been taught to believe in. You cannot support a "separate but equal" stance, and pick and choose which marriages you recognise, and still claim to support a fair go.

Keeping prizes like marriage away from deserving and interested couples is unbecoming of a responsible middle power, and in contrast to our peers and closest allies. From Mexico City to Malmo, Lisbon to Lillehammer, Buenos Aires to Brussels and Boston, our partners in the most advanced nations and leading economies have all introduced marriage equality.

All of our main Commonwealth peers have reformed their laws to offer marriage or marriage in all but name — leaving Australia in the company of the likes of Nigeria rather than Canada.

In the same week that MP Anthony Albanese tried and failed to win Australian Labor Party support for equality, in June 2009, Albania's parliament voted to introduce marriage equality.

If Nepal passes its widely advertised marriage-equality law in late 2010, as expected, Australia will be the only inhabited continent without marriage equality.

In that case we will be a fortress holding out against equality — not only in spite of our national tradition as an open and egalitarian land, but in spite of rational thought.

It seems absurd that we would explicitly prevent the strengthening of communities and allow our politicians to cower before a minority opposed to marriage equality. The damage from such social exclusion is not limited to gays and lesbians. It affects their children, their wider families and their ability to take part fully in a productive Australian future.

When we think of the legacy we will leave to future generations, we must think of our families as well as our bank accounts.

Our social capital is part of our wealth, and the strength of our families is the bedrock of future life chances. This can't be separated from the need for marriage equality; the goals are one and the same. Gay and lesbian Australians have been outsiders for too long, it's time to bring them in from the cold.

This is an edited extract of the essay Love in a Cold Climate, published by the Grffith Review.

Ryan Heath is an Australian writer based in Europe and a fellow of the Royal Society for the Arts. He edits www.thegaymarriageblog.com.

eager.

2010-06-17T19:09:00.002+10:00

-adjective
1. keen or ardent in desire or feeling; impatiently longing

I am so eager for the upcoming holidays. 5 days until I am free. I don't think I have ever anticipated a break so much, and I have realised why. I haven't had a proper break since this time last year. Two days after my last exam in November, I flew off to Peru, where things weren't exactly "relaxed", and as soon as I got back I hit the books in preparation for GAMSAT. The Easter holiday doesn't count because 1) it is only a week, and 2) I had exams and assignments to do anyway...

So in 5 days time, I am going to revel in doing simply nothing. bludge. vege out. Finally I will have time to see the people I love and do the things I enjoy.

5 days? Bring it on!

preparing

2010-05-02T11:28:00.002+10:00

I have been so incredibly slack with blogging as of late. An ironic representation of how slack I have been with keeping in touch with those I care about as well. The fact that I haven't seen friends in a while upsets me, so then I don't want to go out, thus creating a downward spiral of keeping to myself.

I guess I do it for a reason. In the beginning it's because I'm busy with studying or working, and then that accumulates. But on a deeper level, I suppose I am preparing both them and, to a greater extent, myself for the future. A future in medicine, which doesn't exactly welcome a thriving social life. I'm never going to be able to come to every get-together, shindig or spontaneous drinks session. In fact, I might even have to miss important dates, like birthdays, farewells and, touch wood, weddings. Working 70+ hour weeks means that I'll become next to a stranger to those who mean the most to me, and I'll see more of my patients than I will of my own family and friends. So I'm preparing for this now, hoping that we all grow used to it, so I won't lose any of my closest friends when the time comes.

If anything, I hope the time we'll be apart will only make the times we are together that much more special. I believe that laughter is the shortest distance between friends, and that true friends never part. To those who I care most about, know that despite my apparent absence in your lives, I am constantly thinking of you and my love for you grows every day we are apart, waiting to pick up where we left off last time.

dunbar

2010-02-24T21:43:00.001+10:00

Dunbar's number is a theoretical cognitive limit to the number of people with whom one can maintain stable social relationships. These are relationships in which an individual knows who each person is, and how each person relates to every other person. Proponents assert that numbers larger than this generally require more restrictive rules, laws, and enforced norms to maintain a stable, cohesive group.

I

2010-02-20T17:08:00.001+10:00

I am craving a means to my own independence.

My mind is consumed by it.
My impending insanity is driven by it.

gallery afternoon

2010-02-04T23:27:00.021+10:00

love these girls.

solitary poverty

2010-02-04T23:07:00.004+10:00

Loneliness is a truly terrifying concept. It is a state of being that offers no happiness. It is probably true that most people would rather live a life of poverty than live one of solitary isolation. In fact, Mother Teresa said that the worst type of poverty was actually being lonely, and she was well-experienced with poverty.

Being lonely does not mean the same as being alone. One can be in the middle of a room full of people, yet still be suffering the aching, relentless pain of loneliness. A genuinely lonely person is one who feels unwanted, both by those he loves and society in general. They feel they have nowhere to turn for companionship, guidance or love, so they start a downward spiral into depression, anxiety, and sometimes even death, whether suicide or other causes.

Living a destitute life generally seems more desirable than living a lonely one. As long as we have someone to love, someone to share life's trials and tribulations whith, we can be happy. The Greek philosopher Epicurus' three essential ingredients for a happy life included friendship. He taught that we don't exist unless there is someone who can see us existing, and that what we say has no meaning until someone can understand. Another example is Charles Dickens' short novel, A Christmas Carol. Ebenezer Scrooge lives a privileged life, but is unloved by his family and friends. He realises his loneliness compared with his near-impoverished clerk Bob Cratchit, who lives a fairly fulfilling life, full of love, laughter and companions, yet void of any monetary comforts.

This brings up an interesting point, as Mr Scrooge was originally lonely by his own choice, and it wasn't for a few years that he became truly 'unwanted' by his relatives. Could loneliness be a consequence of poor choices made earlier in life? Could one push their loved ones away so hard that they eventually give up pushing back? It is quite possible that as hurt and depressed as the lonely person is, perhaps they were the original offender, and it is actually their loved one who s hurthing more.

Despite the origins of the state, loneliness really is the worst pain you could ever feel. Nobody truly deserves to feel the implacable pang of being unwanted, and it is up to us to make a difference in their lives. Whether it is a loved one from the past, or a complete stranger, you can add such wealth to someone's life by offering a hand of companionship, and rescue them from their loneliness; rescue them from their poverty.

environmental degradation vs. you

2010-01-27T19:50:00.001+10:00

It may be true that one person alone cannot fix environmental degradation, but they can certainly do their part to make a difference and minimise harm to the planet. When everyone on Earth decides to do their small part, only then can we really begin fixing the problem. The facts are that the planet is dying, and without help from the people of the world, its future looks glum. There are many ways an individual can do their part to help the planet, whether it is lowering their own greenhouse emissions, recycling, or simply switching off a light. On the other hand, it is probably impossible to conquer environmental degradation without assistance from higher institutions like schools, organisations and governments.

The earth is dying. In actual fact, the human species will effectively destroy its only habitat, unless we individually make a decision to stop it. Global warming has been increasing in recent years due to many factors, including greenhouse gas emissions, deforestation, and burning fossil fuels. Global surface temperatures increased by approximately 0.74 °C between the beginning and the end of the 20th century, and climate model predictions indicate global surface temperatures will rise a further 1°-6°C in the 21st century. So individuals really need to start making changes.

There are various ways an individual person can minimise environmental degradation. Some methods have a greater impact than others; however the "every little bit counts" mantra applies to this case. Citizens can lower their greenhouse emissions by riding a bicycle instead of taking the car, recycling appropriate waste, installing "energy-saver" light bulbs, switching to an eco-friendly energy provider, or simply turning off the light when it's not in use. This presents the question: 'How is an individual supposed to know what the “right thing to do” is?' Perhaps one person alone cannot, in fact, do enough to fix environmental degradation. They need help from higher places.

There is only so much an individual can do to stop the environment from falling apart. In order to save our planet, we need guidance from higher institutions. Schools need to give incentives for students to save energy and be environmentally friendly, organisations such as Planet Ark need to continue educating the public on methods of saving the planet, and governments need to implement strategies to make saving our planet a priority, such as signing and ratifying the Kyoto protocol, which aims to lower greenhouse gas emissions.

The potential to minimise environmental degradation due to global warming lies within the individual. Unless we make decisions to lower our own greenhouse emissions, the planet will continue declining. Governments, organisations and schools need to do their part, as well, by guiding individuals and leading everybody in the fight. Not until the whole world is working together, can we truly conquer global warming and environmental degradation.

friendship

2010-01-27T17:15:00.005+10:00

We don't exist unless there is someone who can see us existing, what we say has no meaning until someone can understand, while to be surrounded by friends is constantly to have our identity confirmed; their knowledge and care for us have the power to pull us from our numbness. In small comments, many of them teasing, they reveal they know our foibles and accept them and so, in turn, accept that we have a place in the world. We can ask them 'Isn't he frightening?' or 'Do you ever feel that...?' and be understood, rather than encounter the puzzled 'No, not particularly' - which can make us feel, even when in company, as lonely as polar explorers.

True friends do not evaluate us according to worldly criteria, it is the core self they are interested in; like ideal parents, their love for us remains unaffected by our appearance or position in the social hierarchy, and so we have no qualms in dressing in old clothes and revealing that we have made little money this year. The desire for riches should perhaps not always be understood as a simple hunger for a luxurious life, a more important motive might be the wish to be appreciated and treated nicely. We may seek a fortune for no greater reason than to secure the respect and attention of people who would otherwise look straight through us. A handful of true friends could deliver the love and respect that even a fortune may not.

new year

2010-01-13T16:33:00.001+10:00

Happy New Year everybody! It's at this time of year that we all look back on the year just gone, and look forward to the one ahead. I can't believe how much my own life has changed in the past 365 days.

new people
new places
new responsibilities
new skills
new love
new pain
new friends
new foes
new games
new shows
new experiences
new challenges
new dilemmas
new choices
new regrets
new annoyances
new thoughts
new stresses
new relief
new differences
new songs
new dances
new style
new stories
new colours
new countries
new languages
new numbers
new codes
new clubs
new stars

bring on 2010

here i go

2009-11-24T15:44:00.014+10:00

So tomorrow I will embark on what well may be the most rewarding experience of my life.

Nervous? Yes.
Scared? Absolutely.
Willing to risk it all for a sense of adventure? You bet ya.

If I've learnt anything these past few years, it is that you really can't predict your own future, but you can make choices today to shape the kind of tomorrow you want. Granted, you can't paint the whole picture, but you don't have to. It's these details to your life which bring excitement and meaning to it.

When I was younger, I used to go into travel agents at shopping centres and ask for their old travel brochures. I think they thought I wanted them to cut them up and paste pictures, etc. but that's not what I did. I literally spent hours pouring over them, yearning to just pack up and go to these incredible places of my dreams which I knew actually existed. For as long as I can remember, My biggest dream was/is to travel the world. I really do want to see it all. And as I got older, my tastes matured, and now not only did I want to see New York and Paris, and other tourist-traps, I dreamt about far-off (both geographically and culturally) places such as Costa Rica, Nepal, Burkina Faso, Borneo, Tibet, Jordan, this list really does go on and on.

The problem was, I come from a family who had never done much travelling. My mother did the tourist-traps when she was in her twenties, but that was it. It always amazed me how she didn't catch the bug, for you see, I had caught it before I had even been anywhere. I would cry myself to sleep at night thinking I would never get real opportunities to travel. I honestly thought that. In hindsight I was delusional. And I think subconsciously it was then that I made the choice to seek any opportunity to explore. Explore the world, explore those around me, and explore myself. And within no time at all, I had discovered opportunities to travel to six countries other than my own (and always counting), and now - tomorrow, in fact, I will set about on what I believe will be the greatest yet.

If you don't know, I'm jetting off to Peru for a month, where I'm undertaking a volunteer program called Peru's Challenge which allows travellers to experience the beauty of Peru through tours while also volunteering in rural communities to assist the work of not-for-profit/charity organisations. More specifically, I'll be teaching in a school in the Huatata community, near the town of Urubamba, which is one hour outside of Cuzco.

As well as the volunteering, we'll be taking every opportunity to see the wonderful contrasts of Peru, from City tours of Lima and Cuzco, to a 2-day tour of the Sacred Valley, a 3-day tour to Lake Titicaca, a Horse-back ride to Inca ruins, and the climax of it all, the 4-day Inca Trail trek to Macchu Picchu, the lost city of the Incas. It is said, that at dawn on that 4th day of the trek, when you pass through the Sun-Gate, and you see the sun's first rays hit Machu Picchu, you weep. So much emotion is built up from the past 3 days, that the sheer beauty that confronts you brings you to tears. And even more wonderful is that this special moment will be on my 20th birthday.

I don't think I've ever been so nervous and so excited simultaneously. Peru (and all of South America, for that matter) has always allured me with its exotic culture and breathtaking landscapes. However, this will be the first time i've travelled for a reason other than holidaying, and I have no teaching experience, and I have very limited Spanish skills, so you see there are many reasons to be nervous. However, anybody who knows me would know that I am 110% up for this challenge. Yes, it will probably be tough to begin with, but I know for sure that by the time those 4 short weeks roll around, I won't want to leave.

things i know for sure

2009-11-14T21:48:00.002+10:00

apology is a two-way street
real friends never say goodbye
junk food tastes better when your depressed
dreams change
people change
smiles are contageous
clichés are so... well, cliché
christmas is not necessarily the most wonderful time of the year, but i know i still love it
international travel is unjustifiedly expensive
when one door closes, another one opens
two may be company, but who said three was a crowd?
obstacles are those things you see when you take your eyes off your goals
things that come easy aren't usually worth it
on that same note, achievement is so much sweeter when you've given your all
the gift of the gab is greatly underrated
new life is truly beautiful
adventure allures me
i don't need a medical degree to tell me that hugs cure all and laughter really is the best medicine
buses always run later when you are in a hurry
there is nothing i enjoy more than the sound of rain on the roof
leap frog is a fun game to play after a 4-hour biotech lab (:P) (see attached picture)

hatred

2009-11-12T13:16:00.002+10:00

they say hate is a strong word.

a feeling of dislike so strong that it demands action.

this feeling is strong, fervid as hell itself.

perhaps deep down I love him like I should, but he makes it so incredibly difficult. you may ask "how can you just decide you hate somebody who you are supposed to be so close with?" but do you realise it was never my choice and I've had 20 years to develop this loathing? 20 years of torment, 20 years of humiliation, 20 years of insults, 20 years of abuse, 20 years too many.

yes, there are good days and there are bad days, but the good days are merely bearable and the bad days are pure scream-your-lungs-out, rip-your-hair-out, excrutiating, living hell. does he do it on purpose? is he that bored?

I don't know who I get more angry at. him? or them? it's like they just stand and watch. are they that blind? it's not fair. they must enjoy seeing me as a victim.

My next question which I always wonder.... does he hate me back? surely he must.... mustn't he?

one down

2009-11-09T20:04:00.000+10:00

three to go

EOS

2009-11-04T19:42:00.000+10:00

most painful month in the year.

i need to get through this.

talent

2009-10-19T23:12:00.001+10:00

happy.

2009-10-17T23:11:00.001+10:00

I'm on top of the world.
Had the greatest day!
Can't wait for another great day.
and work wasn't too bad either :P
but my thoughts were elsewhere.

expecting

2009-10-16T12:01:00.002+10:00

this weekend is going to be awesome.
that is all.
smile.

i need

2009-10-06T16:10:00.001+10:00

I need

to study microbiology
a haircut
to buy a camera
to start my reproductive physiology assignment
to go to the doctors
to buy hiking boots
to pass my last lab for the year
to go shopping for things I need for Peru
to look at the stats assignment
to catch up in stats
to try and get my head around molecular biology
to somehow not cut my friends out and maintain some form of a social life
to buy pants
to stop alienating my family
to start being grateful towards them
to think about applying for qimr summer studentship
to train harder for trek
to somehow organise my own going-away
to keep up with my tv shows
to see fame
to see mao's last dancer
to somehow get more shifts at work
more money
to buy aladdin on dvd
to stop using facebook so much
to stop searching for love and let it find me
to just be me

all in a month. here's to lists. cheers.

life

2009-09-20T10:01:00.001+10:00

isn't new life just beautiful? just utter perfection. she enters this world and she is perfect. 5 tiny fingers with 5 tiny nails, 5 tiny toes with the same. the lines on her palm match those on my own. amazing, isn't it? her eyes full of so much wonderment, i wish i could remember what runs through our minds at that age. when your only a few hours old, life must seem forever. but it's these moments that remind us that it's not. as often as life begins, life must also end. inspiring to think as one finishes their life, reflecting on everything they were, every choice they made, every experience they had, every person they had touched, another is just beginning their life with a clean slate, a blank page, completely unwritten and undefined, no choices made, no experiences had, completely untouched. new life is simply beautiful. emily claire, i'm in love.

fancy-dress

2009-09-20T09:50:00.001+10:00

such fun to be had by all. i want to learn to sew. i want to papier-machê more often. such fun to be had by all.

(half) life

2009-09-14T22:30:00.003+10:00

i knew that i'd get like this again, that's why I try to keep at bay. be a hundred percent when i'm with you and then, the perfect heart's length away. the stickler is you've played not one beat wrong. you never promised me anything. even sat me down and warned me just how they fall, i knew the odds were i'd never win. yet here i am. it's a half life, with you as my quarterback. a daft life. my self-worth measured in text back tempo, it's been two days and 8 minutes too slow. well there may well be others but I still like to pretend that I'm the one you really want to grow old with. got a schedule to stick to, got a world to keep sweet, you're so much to everyone all the time. will you ever slow down? will I ever come first? the universe contracts to sigh. it's a half life, with you as my quarterback. a daft life. hold me darling, please. you know you'll never be lonely, no you'll always be loved, and maybe you never need more than that. but for the surplus that loves, what's to become of us? does it even register on your conscience? long for one last showdown from a box in a crowd, air compressed tight to explode. i'm clenching my ticket to the only way out, as you disappear in a puff of smoke. it's a half life, with you as my quarterback. a daft life.

connect.

2009-08-23T15:29:00.004+10:00

I haven't posted what I would call a substantial blog in a while now, so I guess there is potentially a lot I could talk about.

One thing I will mention, is I guess due to stress and other things, maybe I've seemed a bit blue lately, and apparently it is showing. Lately, I'm often being asked if I'm ok, that I seem a bit sad and down. It really strikes me as surprising that people notice this, because I usually try to put out a really positive outlook in public, so it must be a significant change for people to notice.

However, I promise you its not as bad as some people might think. Like I said, its just stress, nothing I haven't encountered before. It comes in a package-deal with a university degree, doesn't it? Not to mention the pressure I put on myself, which is completely unjustified, but I just can't seem to help it. It's just me, I guess. My life really is like a rollercoaster, up and down, up and down. The ups are amazing, and the downs downright suck.

Something that always makes me up is friends. I've done a lot of thinking about friends and friendship lately. It really is quite an amzing thing to think about. Over the past couple of months, I think I've made the most new friends ever in my life. And I've got to say, nothing beats the feeling of making a new friend. Actually, no. Something does, catching up with dear old friends. So basically any activity which involves seeing the people you care for is really quite inspiring.

Whether its a friend you met last week who you really have a connection with and are still in that getting to know eachother phase so you do fun things like see a play together, or take a walk. Or perhaps its your oldest, dearest friend who you know inside and out, and you just chill in their bedroom all night, just talking crap, but it feels like home because you are together. And then there are those times where you have a big even planned with your friends, and the day finally comes, and it is everything you expected and then some. Those are fun days.

However, nothing comes close to the feeling of bumping into a friend you haven't seen in weeks, months or even years, and striking up the most spontaneous conversation, which turns into lunch, which turns into a whole afternoon together, reconnecting and rekindling your friendship. This is a sign of a true bond with someone, someone who you can confidently call your friend.

So here's to budding friendships. And to old friendships.

Different stages of one and the same thing.

without you

2009-08-21T22:28:00.002+10:00

the ground thaws
the rain falls
the grass grows
the seeds root
the flowers bloom
the children play
the stars gleam
the poets dream
the eagles fly
the earth turns
the sun burns
the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves
the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash
the crowds roar
the days soar
the babies cry
the moon glows
the river flows
the world revives
colours renew
but i know blue
only blue
lonely blue
within me, blue
the hand gropes
the ear hears
the pulse beats
the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathe
the mind churns
the heart yearns
the tears dry
life goes on
...
but i'm gone
'cause i'd die
without you

observe

2009-08-21T20:09:00.001+10:00

the pile of paperwork I need to catch up on. And it grows every day.

motivation

2009-08-19T19:18:00.000+10:00

time.

2009-07-28T23:13:00.002+10:00

so much is happening to me.
so much that i can't even see.
so many words of wisdom that i am trying to be.
catch me if i should fall.
and even more so while i'm standing tall.
my head is spinning around and it's making me dizzy.
i'm spinning around and it's making me ill.
you don't understand what i'm going through just to find a way to climb.
it'll be in my own time.
whispering thoughts in all different ways.
that i'm in a daze.
in my own time i'll take a chance.
in my own time i'll find romance.
in my own time.
it'll be mine.
after the clouds there'll be the rain.
after the sun there'll be the moon.
it doesn't matter.
because it will be in my own time.

beauty

2009-07-25T00:18:00.002+10:00

In Washington, DC, a violinist played four Bach pieces for 45 minutes. Some 2,000 commuters hustled and bustled by the artist - few paid any attention to the performance, and even fewer stopped (except for a handful of children who were all quickly reprimanded by their guardians).
Of the 2,000 people, 20 gave money and then hurried off. 6 paused.

The whole situation was a social experiment orchestrated by the Washington Post. The violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most gifted musicians in America. Two days earlier, he had sold out an entire theater in Boston. His instrument was worth some $3.5 million. The pieces he played were some of the most intricate ever written.

And only 6 people paused.

If we can overlook such obvious and rare beauty, can you imagine the more subtle things we’re missing? Even when beauty slaps us in our face, we tend not to recognize it. There are no excuses.

We need not wait for a talented musician in disguise. Beauty is here and beauty is now.

Take a second to look around you. Look at the shadows that crawl across your room or office. Look at the folds of your sheets. Look at the raindrops dancing across your window. The gentle creases in your hands. The dust on your bureau. The socks on your feet. The air in your lungs. This is beautiful.

Can you see it?

overheard

2009-07-23T15:38:00.001+10:00

walking down a street past two kids.

kid 1: is that a boy or a girl?
kid 2: a girl, I think.

die.

?

2009-07-20T17:15:00.000+10:00

why does jealousy suck so much?

i'm done.

let the game swallow me up.

Faces

2009-07-03T22:15:00.001+10:00

mode a paris

2009-06-27T16:37:00.004+10:00

so it is quite possibly my favourite time of the year… men’s fashion week!

Highlight so far – yesterday’s Louis Vuitton show. In the eyes of Paul Helbers and his team at Louis Vuitton, bike messengers are "the gentlemen butterflies" of the city, in honour of whom they created a collection that celebrated sleek, aerodynamic athleticism. and the accent color was taxi-cab yellow (LOVE!). There were prints that suggested worn urban surfaces, and striking footwear that looked like graffitied sequins.

Bruno Pieters has made a bold statement with his collection for Hugo by Hugo Boss. He has re-visioned Hugo Boss's avant-garde sibling as a pared-down exercise in fashion expressionism, all black and white and angles. Except this time there was a lot of blue, and a bit of red, too. Overall I liked this collection. Bruno took a risk, and I believe it paid off.

I’ll admit I had high hopes for the Gucci collection (as Frida Giannini is probably my favourite men’s designer – especially for spring) so I was a little disappointed at first. However, after looking again at the collection, I do like it. The thing I like about Frida is her use of colour. And this collection, it is a more subtle use, which is actually harder to do, right? So again, thumbs up to Frida! very sexy. very gucci.

Dsquared2 - WTF?? Dean and Dan, what were you thinking? But then again, it is a fun concept - Summer Camping.

Disappointments so far – Dries Van Noten and Jean Paul Gaultier. ew. Not even going to say anything about them. Look the collections up if you must, but I didn’t like them one bit.

ever wish?

2009-06-25T23:07:00.001+10:00

ever wish you could live two lives?

why is it, that when you think you've got it all planned out, someone unexpected comes into your life and throws a spanner in the works.

and suddenly, you're not too sure about your plan, and this is when you wish you could live two lives. one for each fork in the road. see which one turns out better.

who said life was easy?

oh that's right, nobody.

but life is our everything
life is our nothing
life is our here and now
life is our there and then
but most importantly, life is our where and when

words

2009-06-23T23:08:00.001+10:00

can mean so much, when they come from the right person...
i love my mum.

metabolism

2009-06-19T15:13:00.001+10:00

dear god let me get through this alive

45 life lessons

2009-06-16T22:46:00.002+10:00

Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
When in doubt, just take the next small step.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
Pay off your credit cards every month.
You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
Over prepare, then go with the flow.
Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
The most important sex organ is the brain.
No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
Always choose life.
Forgive everyone everything.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
Believe in miracles.
God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
Your children get only one childhood.
All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
The best is yet to come.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
Yield.
Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

p!nk

2009-06-14T00:10:00.006+10:00

here are some pics from last night's concert.
she was amazing.
sorry about the crappy quality photos. my camera died.
so had to use my iphone.

story

2009-06-11T19:07:00.004+10:00

so i am aware i have an addiction for sunglasses.

recently i've been on the hunt for tortoiseshell wayfarers.

so yesterday, i was in a store (whose name i shall not reveal), and i saw THEM! the PERFECT pair of tortoiseshell wayfarers! HOWEVER, as I went to pick them up, some snotty-nosed teenage girl snatched them up and started trying them on, showing her friends. i was ok with that. i would just wait until she put them down, and then i could get them. she then proceeded to the counter. she was buying them.
...

...

i could have cried.

i was devastated.

did this little SNOT realise how much i wanted those????

it was at that moment that something else caught my eye... a pair of clear-framed wayfarers, and i was reminded of an article i read which informed me of the latest trend in eyewear - see-through (the frames, that is).

so IN YOUR FACE, stupid girl.. you are sooo last week, and I am soooo now!

picture:

and then, because i am such an impulse buyer, at the next store i went into, i bought another pair... quite possibly could be called tortoise shell... but i'm thinking not.. maybe cobblestone?
picture:

top to bottom

2009-06-10T12:34:00.001+10:00

michael kors sunglasses
vintage bonds tee
jeanswest belt
jayjays effekt shorts
cotton on lace-up shoes.

d&g

2009-06-07T00:19:00.004+10:00

so i'm not usually a big D&G fan. I guess you could say I think it's a little... commercial, but this collection was actually the highlight of the mens fall 2009 season for me.

bring on spring 2010. bring on some colour, PLEASE?

sean o'pry

2009-06-06T14:56:00.005+10:00

ok so most of you SHOULD know that i'm a huge fan of sean o'pry

so check out one of my fave bloggers, FABIOwho's post on his editorial in L'Officiel Hommes magazine. here are my fave shots:

so check out Fabio's blog for some more pics yes.

shoes

2009-06-04T21:52:00.001+10:00

wish list

2009-06-03T14:59:00.002+10:00

- a new bag
- a BIG funky umbrella
- tortoise shell wayfarers

lunch

2009-06-02T23:48:00.004+10:00

so i found myself today sitting in my uusual "alone spot" at Uni (which I am the first to admit is not really the nicest spot on my campus, but I like to call it mine) eating my lunch, reading and replying to emails, when this guy just came up to me, asked me if he could sit down and ask me some questions.

At first I wanted to tell him to go away and leave me alone, but I don't know whether it was his exotic (lol) American accent or the fact that I had to kill time for an hour before my next class, but I invited him to sit. His name was Garett, and he was from Billings, Montana.

What followed was really quite an amazing part of my day. I knew straight away that he was one of these Christian students who travelled to another part of the globe on some sort of "mission" to share their faith.. so to begin with I was a little quiet. However, as we got into things, I really started to feed off the discussion. We talked about religion (obviously) and whether God forgives people who don't believe in him. And if everyone has the chance at the end of their life to ask for forgiveness, and therefore be welcomed to heaven, then why should we follow God during life?

Our discussion evolved onto talking about religion vs science, and the validity of the bible, and how accurate it may be? We talked about whether God wants a personal relationship with us or not, and how individuals should treat this supposed relationship.

I think by this stage, Garrett was satisfied with the discussion we'd had, and so we started talking more about his time here in Australia, and I shared my stories of my trip to the states last summer.

And before I knew it, it was time for me to go to class, and I had to leave Garrett.

Needless to say, after what really was a rewarding experience, I decided it was a good day.

i think it might storm

2009-05-29T17:27:00.001+10:00

photos by me

autumn leaves

2009-05-29T17:13:00.001+10:00

Photographed in my backyard on 29 May 2009

davey wavey

2009-05-26T23:38:00.001+10:00

Best Blog EVER!!!!!

Davey Wavey is the man.

www.breaktheillusion.com

studying

2009-05-18T20:51:00.004+10:00

alas, with my recent laptop purchase, the half-yearly ritual known as End-of-Semester-Study has migrated to my bed. (refer to picture below)

however, i find my legs get sore quite often, as well as my back. But it just seems to happen that I end up on my bed. Oh well.

I'm BACK!!!

2009-05-06T20:10:00.002+10:00

Yes, I realise it must have felt like a lifetime, but you can all stop reading inferior blogs, and come back to OYSTER!!!! It has quite literally been forever since my last post, and I realise that you, as my followers, deserve an explanation.

So it all started with the normal case of writer's block (blogger's block, rather?) which lasted I'd say around a week. But then after that, I wanted to write so badly, but I either a) found myself sitting in front of my computer with nothing to write, b) found myself with a head FULL of creativity and bursting at the seams with perfect blog material, but I was nowhere in sight of a computer to write it all down, c) I simply had no time, d) i had more important things to do (alas, there ARE more important things than blogging.... even I will admit to that), or e) i would simply forget!

What's that I hear you mumble as you read this? but how could that last this long? HA! but it didn't!! you see, my (expletive) of a computer just decided to NOT turn on one day. May I point out that i had done NOTHING out of the ordinary with it, just the normal every-day use. And this one day i push the power button and it just starts to BEEEEEEEEP... non stop... and does NOTHING else!!! so LONG story short... i've been without a computer for quite some while now (let me say it has made uni very difficult indeed)

HOWEVER, today I purchased a BRAND NEW LAPTOP!!!! its an Acer Aspire 5536 and its bluee and its so sexy!! I would take a picture but i don't have enough light :( maybe i can google-link you. *searches google* oh yes.. here you go that is my SEXY new computer!!!!

so that is all for now... and i will blog later :)
missed you!!

o.

lead me on

2009-04-05T12:03:00.002+10:00

I read this today...

"Ah yes, the subject no one never wants to think about. Being led on. Have you ever been led on? Probably. Have you ever led someone on?... probably. Some people live in the pain of being led on for decades. Some people live being led on... for decades. Some people get bitter. Some people get better. Some people never deal with it. Some people never stop dealing with it. Some people lead others on unintentionally. Some... on purpose.

It's likely at some stage or another, you yourself have led someone on. Maybe you didn't know it. Maybe you knew it full well.

It's also likely that you know what it's like to see signs that meant something you thought meant something else.

...How on earth do you deal with it? How do you get better and not bitter? No one wants to stay in that place.

Well I guess you have to deal with it differently if it's been intentional or not. It's hard to actually tell which one is worse. So let's see where we end up.

I guess the most common one is being led on unintentionally, or leading someone on unintentionally. Best described as wrong place at wrong time being interpreted as perfect place in ordained time by the other person. Usually the "leader-on-erer" will show understanding and concern when other people haven't. He'll have a shoulder to cry on. She'll listen to you (that's a big thing for guys). He'll care. She'll smile at you. Add this to a person's insecurities, or lonely mental state... that's usually how it happens.

But he didn't do to rescue you or sweep you off your feet. She didn't do it to get your attention. They were just being friendly. They saw you were hurting and wanted to give you a hand. Maybe you knew that, but because of your pain you just wanted it to be more.

Few things you can do here. First is... get your gear sorted. Like you should any time you feel any attraction for anyone, STOP and ask... hey, what am I actually attracted to here? Is it her, or the idea of not being alone? Is it him, or having someone to cry to? These things are attractive in a person, certainly, but make sure you're attracted to the person for the person.

Second... well, probably before this even, is make sure you have your gear sorted. An uneasy, lonely, confused heart is easily led astray by *anything* resembling affection. You need to have direction, purpose and Completeness before you think about inviting someone else in. In times where your heart is going ahead without you, make sure you have these things before you go running after it.

Third is the C word. COMMUNICATE. You need to communicate. Both parties. If you think you're being led on, you need to pull that person aside and tell them that you feel like you're being led on. One on ones can be dangerous, especially with this issue, but you need to talk about it. Don't do it at their house, or anywhere potentially romantic... might not end well for you. If you really can't do it, email or getting a trustworthy mediator might help.

"But we have such a good friendship, I don't want to endanger it"... This sounds mean, but unfortunately it's too late. Do everything you can to still be friends, but in cases where that may no longer be appropriate, you might need to pull back completely, for the sake of both of you.

Now... the interesting one. What happens when if you're leading someone on... and you know it? Let me put this simply.

People are intrinsically evil.

We are. I am. You are.

Have you ever caught yourself thinking or saying something malicious? Or doing something "righteous" which looks good to everyone else, but you know within yourself what you're really after? We'll do anything to satisfy our own desires.

Outside of that... you need to firstly work out, what are you really after? What are you gaining by keeping her "on the side" or "as an emergency"? Why do you really want him not to move on from you? You need to do this first, or else you'll never be able to then...

Stop it. Stop stringing them on. The looks you know you shouldn't give (girls, you know the look). The compliments and strength you definitely shouldn't provide (guys, you know *exactly* what they are). Cut it off. Set them free. And you need to apologise. It's really not fair. You also should tell your partner about this if you're currently dating someone. That goes for whether you're the person leading on, or the person being led on. Keeping it a secret hurts you, and will definitely hurt them... and your relationship.

It's not a topic we like talking about, or dealing with. But if we want to have the relationships, we need to be free from "plan B" women and "he's really confusing me" men.

commute

2009-03-26T16:13:00.003+10:00

Ok so since I've been working at QPAC (which I absolutely LOVE! Best job I could possibly think of), I've been catching the bus..

and i've come to realise...

that I could write an entire novel on the events of one bus trip alone.
I never say a word along the whole journey, but there is so much said that doesn't need words.
I could write about the people that I encounter, and my thoughts about them. The people I find myself deeply intrigued by, and end up staring at them, only to pull my gaze away, realising how creepy it must seem. I think a lot about if people are doing the same to me.. what must they think? Are they judging me the way I am judging them? surely, they are. Oh, what I would give to know what they are thinking.

And then there's the bus driver.. for some reason I am fascinated by them. I always watch them in their little rear-vision mirror. What must they think? They must judge everyone as they get on their bus. They would have to! It is sort of their job, isn't it? And I wonder what sort of day they've had, because obviously that impacts what mood I find them in.

I rather like catching the bus. It makes me feel more of a citizen, if that makes sense? More of a commuter, a part of this city. Using public transport makes me feel good about myself, and I feel involved in the whole scheme of things. Whereas when I'm in my car, I'm so removed from society. Isolated. I am in my own little world, listening to my radio, and not really caring about the other people on the roads. In fact, I don't even look at the people in the cars.. just the cars themselves.. Driving is so much more impersonal than buses. In a sense, you build a kind of rapport with the other "regulars" that catch the same bus at the same time. They are your safety-net on the bus. I'd like to think they had my back, and that I have theirs. And hey, one day someone might just actually say something.

out.

QPAC

2009-03-11T17:28:00.007+10:00

So as most of you already know, I got a new job at QPAC! I'm so excited! It's always been a dream job of mine, and I'm SUPER excited to be starting now, because 1) Chicago opens next week, and 2) They've just completed there $34Million refurbishment!!!!

here are some pics:-

i remember

2009-03-03T21:42:00.003+10:00

ok. so its day 2 and i've remembered how much i hate uni.
but i'm a soldier. i soldier on. i've already done a year of it, may as well finish it.
i've realised i just become comfortable with where i am, and i don't like to change, even if its probably best to.
But how can i say that? i DO like change! Don't I? I always used to think I did. Actually, I think I like the novelty of change, but soon enough, when the novelty wears off, I don't like it.
I HAVE realised in the past couple of days I have a serious case of "Grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. I'm just never content. And I don't think I ever will be, either. Its something I'll have to learn to live with. And probably suppress that longing for something different, and just suck it up and accept what i've got.
oh no, i didn't mean for this to be another "woe is me" blog... but somehow it turned into one....
i'll just come back to blogging in a couple of days... maybe i'll be happier then.

P.S. my keyboard is annoying me

escape?

2009-03-03T18:01:00.002+10:00

I've never felt more alone or out of place. Like I don't belong here with these people. They just don't understand me.

I apologise for the depressing-themed blogs of late. I promise the next one will be happy.

interview.

2009-02-24T18:03:00.000+10:00

my interview is tomorrow.
eek.

ever

2009-02-23T15:29:00.002+10:00

ever stop for a moment to look at your life? ever wish your life was going in a completely different direction? ever despise where your life is? ever look into your future and utterly hate what you see? ever hate the life you're living? and wish your life could be completely different? in fact, the total opposite? sometimes i feel like going insane because the life i'm living, and the road i'm travelling is simply wrong. this path i'm walking down, i sometimes think (even after i've come so far already) i chose the wrong path, and now its too late to take another. isn't it? i just would have wasted so much energy walking all this way down the path i'm on right now, can i just give that all up and suddenly walk another way?

i think i've also realised i'm simply never happy.

i want to rewind my life.

warning: oscar spoilers

2009-02-23T15:25:00.003+10:00

so i just watched the academy awards.

I was rooting for Kate Winslet, Sean Penn, and any award Milk was up for.
So i was stoked for Kate and Sean. I cried when Kate won.
surprisingly, i didn't cry when heath ledger won - it was all done so well.
for some reason, i found myself hating slumdog millionaire...
probably just because it was taking a lot of awards away from Milk. lol.
but i just haven't seen it.
apparently its a very good film. i should see it.
i thought hugh jackman did a great job.
LOVED the musical number
"The musical is back!"
i think thats about it :)

oh p.s. i just remembered dustin lance black made me cry in his acceptance speech. (of course :P)

announcement

2009-02-23T15:21:00.001+10:00

much to your disappointment (well maybe 2 of you), i will not be reviewing last night's top 18 performance. i've decided against this because this blog is about anything but routine. it's quite spontaneous, and i'd hate for my followers to "expect" something from o.p.

but i will say -- i'm totally on the bandwagon of TEAM PENNY!

2009-02-20T15:40:00.002+10:00

On the Street......Sixth Ave., NYC
The Sartorialist

gucci summer '09

2009-02-20T15:37:00.003+10:00

love love love frida giannini

thanks to FABIOwho?

textbooks

2009-02-20T15:22:00.002+10:00

a lot of people hate textbooks. And don't get me wrong, I totally see where they are coming from. But i secretly love textbooks. Maybe its my inner nerd coming out in me, but every semester, nothing thrills me more than standing outside the co-op, checking the text lists, writing down my prescribed texts, and then entering the store, and buying every one (even if we don't actually need them). There is just something about owning the textbook that is, i don't know, safe? Eg, I know they are always there if i need to look something up at the last minute. And more pretensiously, I like having them there, so it looks like I actually know something about something. I suppose I think they are kind of impressive. Like when people come over, maybe they are intimidated when they see these monstrous texts about things they can't even pronounce ("what is biomolecular?") and I think that makes me feel good. Thats incredibly orchidaceous, i know, so i apologise.
Having said that, however, I still have a soft spot for textbooks, and think I always will.

group

2009-02-19T19:23:00.002+10:00

sytycd top 20 performance

2009-02-16T11:34:00.002+10:00

BEN & PANIA - Contemporary

Choreographer: Marko Panzic
Song: "Talk Like That" - The Presets

What a great way to kick off the show for 2009! Really good energy! It was a really kooky concept, but I loved it! Marko rules lol! The Courier Mail today said it was an "insane" interpretation of a Presets number. I really loved the synchornised floorwork. really cool. I didn't like the end when they were staring at the light... stoopid.

I don't really like Pania... but she might grow on me... I REALLY like BEN! probably only cuz he's a QUEENSLANDER!! hahah. Interesting note -- Ben and Matt Lee were Chorus members together in The Boy From Oz with Hugh Jackman! (which was choreographed by Kenny Ortega and Kelly Abbey!)

EMMANUEL & TALIA - Cha Cha

Choreographer: Jason Gilkison
Song: "Hound Dog" - Smokey Joe's Cafe

Ok.. I really wanted to like this.. I mean, come on- a Jason Gilkison Cha Cha? with Talia, probably the most technically perfect dancer the competition has seen?? gotta be awesome, right? but somehow,, it wasn't.. I just didn't like it. The start was stupid.. i was like ok start dancing already, and I kept getting distracted by Talia's costume.. she had too much on I thought. I'm sorry. I REALLY like Talia though, she is so good, (well she has to be - Queensland Ballet much?) but its no secret i don't like Emman.. cocky B-Boys annoy me. So I'm just gonna comeout and say I hope emmanuel goes and Talia gets a new partner next week :)

TIMOMATIC & LAMB - Lyrical

Choreographer: Travers Ross
Song: "Rainbow" - Elisa

Hold up!!! WTF are their names???? ok seriously,, wats wrong with just calling you tim? Timomatic is just SToopid (cocky b-boy much?? haha bet you can guess i don't like him) and lamb?? come on... i'm sure you have a real name and i'm SURE its probably a better name than lamb. Ok that rant is over now.. the dance... was good. I can't really think of much else to say.. their unison could have been a bit better, but other than that was alright. I agree with Jason when he said it was a bit more hip-hoppy. I thought there was a lot of popping and i was like .. popping? lyrical? ok...... And it is at this point i will point out i HATE when they end dances and they just fade the music out... so friggin dumb. so second-rate i think.. don't they have sound engineers or something that can end the song a bit nicer than just a fade-out?? i mean, come on i think a seven-year-old could do a fade-out.... pick up your act, network 10!

DAMIEN & AMY - Broadway

Choreographer: Adam Williams
Song: "Puttin' on the Ritz" - Rufus Wainwright

I nearly died when Damien uttered the words "What is Broadway?" ....... :- ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? WHAT IS BROADWAY???? leave... now... just leave.. ughhh.. and i still can't believe he is 18... no way is he 18?!?!?! ok the dance -- well it is my favourite genre.. so OF COURSE i'm going to L O V E it. and i did. very sassy. good. Amy is EXCELLENT! she is one to watch. she is so good. her costume was SICK! loved it! Damien did a good job. better than i expected to be honest. and the jive kicks - LOVED IT!! (I love jive kicks - don't know if they're actually called that.. but thats what they are)

STEPHEN & ASH-LEIGH - Rumba

Choreographer: Sandro Catalano
Song: "My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion

I don't care what you say,,,, this was NOT a rumba. This was too ambitious for week one. Shame on you, sandro. They danced it beautifully, but they are not gonna get votes because of the choreography!! again, shame on you, sandro. This dance would have been so good if it was later in the comp when they knew eachother better and had a connection. but not first dance together, no way. (side note -- how STUPID was the kiss??? so forced!! i hated it! was anyone else thinking,, ash-leigh's fiance was in the top 40 much?)

CHARLIE & PENNY - Hip Hop

Choreographer: Tiana Joubert
Song: "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" - Beyoncé

OH MY GOD!! HOW GOOD WERE THEY!?!?!??!!? BEST DANCE OF THE NIGHT!!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVED IT!!! IT WAS HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT!!!! so much energy!! so good!! the unison was like SPOT-ON!

And now lets talk about how much I LOVE these two... first of all I LOVE what I now call Penny's "ugly-face" not that she has an ugly face, just her face she makes when she's excited is sooo adorably-ugly!! i LOVE IT! and "embrace the Penny" was the best line!! Believe me, I am embracing the Penny!! and how funny is Charlie.... i was in hysterics when he was doing the beyonce dance and he said he needed a cold shower!! Seriously I love these two.. straight to the top of my list. standout faves. FIVE STARS!

DANNY & KAT - Lyrical

Choreographer: Debbie Ellis
Song: "Llorando (Crying)" - Angelo Badalamenti

How beautiful. Danny is my favourite male dancer in the comp. He is an AMAZING technical dancer. Kat is alright. She is lucky to have Danny for a partner.. he will carry her through, I think. Their lifts were seamless, the unison was perfect.. I actually can't fault this routine..

Ok.. now.. before the ad-break before they performed when they show the couple.. did anyone else think it was awkward and that the camera was intruding on some private serious moment? they were hugging and had serious faces on.. made me feel awkward.

And... when Jason told Kat how she is so mature, etc... her reaction to that couldn't have been any more immature!! i was like uhhh... ok..

JESSE & MAX - Contemporary

Choreographer: Shaun Parker
Song: "Kids" - MGMT

First of all I would like to say "AARRGHH" at Jesse's forehead.. I believe it to be from another planet, and it scares me. That is all. oh god this dance was horrible. I liked Max in the top100 week, but now, she has disappointed me. This was so sloppy!! the lifts were heinous!! somebody needs to teach max how to be graceful!

BJ & GIANNE - Quickstep

Choreographer: Leeanne Bampton
Song: "Sparkling Diamonds" - Moulin Rouge! Soundtrack

I loved this dance instantly! The snake is one of my FAVOURITE lifts! and Sparkling Diamonds is such a good quickstep song! The footwork was soo good. The last lift was just horrible though.. but if you look around it, it was a GREAT piece. (i actually didn't realise that BJ had tassels literally wrapped around his head, until i watched it a second time! - poor guy.. I wondered why his hair was messed up for judging)

I love Gianne! (again-- QLDer!!!) she always makes me smile! she's one of those people that lights up a room! and everybody knows I didn't like BJ... but he impressed me!! I think he might be growing on me! those jumps he did at the beginning were good! and his actual quickstepping was really good too! So BJ has moved up on my list

LOREDO & CHANELLE - Jazz

Choreographer: Project Moda
Song: "Poker Face" - Lady Gaga

First of all, can I say how glad I am that nobody mentioned chanelle's scoliosis!! I'm sick of hearing about it, and I think she would be too! There is more to her than her disability! She's a great dancer! But omg poor Loredo. I cringed when i saw him hit his head.. poor boy. but good on him for doing the dance. I think the "Slinky" would have been cool,, but the dance was great without it! I can't even tell where the slinky would have been?? But yes, I loved the concept of the dance. I LOVE project moda!! they are cool!!
side-note: HAHA at chanelle's faces she pulls all throughout the dane. classic!

SO THIS WEEK MY VOTES WENT TO:-

Charlie & Penny
Danny & Kat
BJ & Gianne

2009-02-13T14:34:00.001+10:00

pop has won the war
war god end all joy
pop too fad for mob
god the bad est fad
one ego can say war
mad hip cat can dig
one big man ate god
nil all god and man
was eve the bad one
her joy can end war
his joy her ass end
run its the pig man

2009-02-08T14:17:00.002+10:00

films that will ALWAYS make me cry:
(in alphabetical order)

Atonement
Ladder 49
Milk
Patch Adams
Titanic
United 93

quota.

2009-02-08T12:10:00.001+10:00

i believe there is a quota, a certain number of words the human body likes to say in a day.
and when you've said that many words, you just don't want to talk anymore.
just sit in silence.
quiet.
why can't people understand that?

2009-02-06T18:49:00.005+10:00

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuity of Happiness."

- the Declaration of Independence written by Thomas Jefferson in 1776

All men are created equal? Yeah, I like that. Nothing else should matter. It shouldn't matter if your man or woman; Or the colour of your skin. It shouldn't matter how much you weigh, or the colour of your hair. It shouldn't matter if you have tattoos, or piercings everywhere? It shouldn't matter if your gay or straight, or somewhere in between. It shouldn't matter who you make friends with, or what you like to do together. It shouldn't matter what time you stay up until at night, or how long you sleep in. It shouldn't matter what you choose to do with your life, or how you make your living. It shouldn't matter what neighbourhood you live in, or what sort of car you drive. It shouldn't matter what clothes you wear, or if they are "cool" or "not". It shouldn't matter what your interests are, or how you spend your free time. It shouldn't matter what music you listen to, or what movies you watch. It shouldn't matter what your favourite colour is, or your sense of style. It shouldn't matter how you talk, or how you sing, for that matter. It shouldn't matter how you walk. It shouldn't matter who you love, or who loves you. It shouldn't matter how much money you earn, or how much money you spend. It shouldn't matter.

It just shouldn't matter.. But our sick, deluded, masochistic, idiotic, crazy, bird-brained, moronic, insane, imbecilic, lunatic society somehow decided it does matter, and that infuriates me. Because somehow, although all men are created equal, yes; when these men grow up, society doesn't treat them equal. I believe that every person walking the planet has experienced some sort of discrimination in their life time. Undue discrimination which is simply unneccessary.

What SHOULD matter is that society does not judge individuals on purely that... being an INDIVIDUAL. Everyone has the right to express themselves however they want to. Everyone has the right to be their own person, but at the same time, be treated EQUALLY.

thank you.

that is all.

milk

2009-02-05T15:32:00.002+10:00

"It takes no compromising to give people their rights. It takes no money to respect the individual. It takes no survey to remove repressions." - Harvey Milk

"I know that we cannot live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living. And you, and you, and you, gotta give'em hope." - Harvey Milk

block.

2009-02-04T14:58:00.001+10:00

i want to write a new post.
believe me, i do.
but i have no inspiration.

i'm gonna do an inspiration dance (in the fashion of a rain dance)

photos

2009-02-01T13:55:00.010+10:00

some of my favourite photos from america. i wish i was a better photographer. and i wish i had a better camera.

bunny!

2009-01-20T16:38:00.002+10:00

totally forgot i took this picture.

made me smile.

will you?

2009-01-17T19:32:00.002+10:00

My head's full of thoughts.
Thoughts of you.
And I'm distracted so easy.
Thinking what to do.
So unsure.
So unfamiliar.
Am I wrong to think that something could happen?
Will you fall for me?
I need to know.
The way I'd like you to.
Will you fall for me?
The way I've fallen for you.

I'm not acting like myself.
I'm playing the role of someone else.
And my hearts beating so fast.
I can't stop it.
And I'm so unsure.
So unfamiliar.
Am I wrong to think that something could happen?
Will you fall for me?
The way I'd like you to.
Will you fall for me?
The way I've fallen for you.
The way I've fallen for you.

I think I've fallen for you.

memories

2009-01-15T15:00:00.000+10:00

miss these guys

dior homme 09

2009-01-15T14:55:00.002+10:00

photographer: Karl Lagerfeld

model: Marlon Teixeira

thanks to FABIO who? one of my favourite blogs

so what.

2009-01-08T22:09:00.004+10:00

so maybe i do think about things too much.
maybe i do overanalyse everything.
but when did that become a bad thing?
when did actually caring become so horrible?
so what if i care about how my actions affect others?
did it ever occur to you that maybe thats an admirable trait in a person?
maybe thats something to look for?
rather than someone who doesn't care about anything,
who just goes through life with some blasé attitude.
because eventually that attitude is going to get them nowhere.
eventually, you need to think about your choices.
so what if i'm not one of these people who just "goes with the flow"?
maybe i like to consider all perspectives before committing to something.
or even more, maybe i like to plan ahead.
maybe i like to make goals,
have some vision for my future.
i need to know where something is going
i need to know what i'm doing
otherwise i can't see the sense in doing it.
so this is why i think about things.
you might say i do it too much,
and that i overanalyse.
But you know what?
SO WHAT?

ignore

2009-01-08T20:24:00.003+10:00

Ever feel you're being ignored?

Like the earth could swallow you right there and they wouldn't even notice?

zipped

2009-01-08T20:09:00.003+10:00

Have you ever wanted to tell people something so bad, but there is no-one you can really tell? You see, there is something I've wanted to tell people for the past couple of days, but its really precious information (I know that sounds so stupid - but it is) and I don't want it passed around, even implicitly. But you see, it is driving me crazy not being able to talk about it. And I keep being reminded about it, twice this week already, possibly a third tomorrow. I'm not even sure what it means, and I need SOMEONE to give me advice.. or at the very least I need someone to listen to me. It really is a difficult feeling, I feel so alone with the dilemma in my mind.

picnic

2009-01-06T23:38:00.006+10:00

it really was the best way to see jayce and laura for the first time since i've come home. i love those too so much and we always connect on some stratospheric level. adventures are sure to be had when we plan an outing.

i love jayce's individuality and her originality. she is so much more genius than she thinks and her ideas and thoughts are just wonderful, i envy her level of creativity. she has this brilliant ability of making you feel loved unconditionally and allowing you to feel better about yourself and boost your self esteem. i love her eagerness to grow and change. she strives to be different and to move on from the past, but at the same time she is afraid of her future, but i really don't think she has any need to be. her future will shine bright regardless. her laugh makes me smile and her smile makes me laugh, i'm so lucky to call myself her friend.

i have forever cherished laura as one of my best friends. ever since i first met her, she held my intrigue. this girl was so funny and intelligent at the same time, i knew we'd make awesome friends. and we do. our list of common interests is absolutely endless, and while i'm not sure about her, i know i tell her positively everything there is to know about me. i feel at home with laura and i can divulge to her my deepest desires and secrets. i love her spontaneity and impulsive nature. she is a constant ball of energy and her enthusiasm for living life is contageous. this girl makes me laugh like no other. i can easily spend an entire day with her, from early morn till the crack of dawn the next day. i don't think we will ever run out of things to talk about.

these two often talk about being soulmates, and i don't doubt they are.
but i also believe them to be my soulmates, for they are both that special type of person who comes into your life and leaves such an impression that it feels like a part of you is missing when they are gone. they will always be in my heart.

Laura.Jayce.Brendan
forever.together.

public announcement

2009-01-04T20:05:00.001+10:00

oh goodness, how long its been..
well it seems so anyway.
So much has happened since my last regular posts..

like...

AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahhh i just don't know where to start..

but this post is here to let you all know that i have returned to regular posting.

good to be back :)

greetings from southern california!

2008-12-16T12:53:00.002+10:00

ok

update

i'm in LA

all fun

went to mexico today

even more fun

made cool as friends

will let you know more later :)

must-click link

2008-12-08T17:26:00.004+10:00

for a full account of the surprise party, refer to that awesome girl Jayce's blog post.

she really is awesome-ness in human form

today

2008-12-08T13:18:00.002+10:00

is my last day in Australia until next year.
aaahhhh.
so excited.
little scared.
but i'll be over the scared when i get there.

hopefully i'll get to blog over there....
i promise to make an effort...
mwah.
oyster out.

beach

2008-12-07T14:10:00.002+10:00

with elisse and tyler.
those sexy sexies.

surprise

2008-12-07T13:53:00.004+10:00

so my friends threw me a surprise party for going away and my birthday.
I had noooo idea.
i was definitely surprised.
i love them all way too so totally much.

the moon, jupiter and venus

2008-12-01T19:23:00.003+10:00

won't see this for another 35 years.

suspense

2008-12-01T18:31:00.001+10:00

Suspense by Michel Haddi

Models: Josh Parkinson, Fernando Machado

cool people

2008-11-30T20:50:00.002+10:00

someone cool once wrote me something which is special to me. I carry a copy with me everywhere I go, and when I'm down or having a bad day, I pull it out and give it a read and it brightens up my day. It talks about how much I mean to her, but that is nothing in comparison to what she means to me.

She is the greatest, funniest, loveliest, most sincere, happy, loveable, most honest, smartest, caring, crazy jumping ball of fun that anyone could ever wish to call their friend, and I guess I need to make sure that she knows this. I think every time we see eachother we find something to smile and laugh about, even if one of us is having the day from hell, the other will cheer them up.

love ya guts too :)

xxx

storms

2008-11-30T20:45:00.002+10:00

i took this photo myself
it could be better
but i'm still proud of myself

versace

2008-11-29T09:58:00.000+10:00